Sick of Being Sick

It figures that when it's trendy to get the swine flu that I'd get hit with some mundane and boring infection like a sore throat. Sore throats are the nerds of the disease world. They're the wimps that get beat up on the germ playground.

"What can you do, poindexter?" says Hay Fever, pounding one fist into the other. "Make someone puke out their guts? Rupture their spleen?"
"Well," says Sore Throat, "I can make throats hurt just enough to be annoying, but most of the time people forget I'm there unless they swallow."
*awkward pause*
"Get him!"

Now, if you want to talk about a disease that would never get beat up, mainly because everyone would be too afraid to go near it, there's swine flu. And no, I will not be referring to it by its PC name, mainly because that's what Obama would want me to do, but also because this is a downright dirty, filthy, rolling-in-the-mud and eating rotten apple cores swine flu.

Many people don't know this, but swine flu is actually an ancient disease dating back to Biblical times. When Jesus commanded that the demons leave the body of the possessed man and enter the herd of swine, causing the pigs to hurl themselves off of a cliff, this was the first documented case when swine flew.

In that case, all of the swine died, meaning that the swine flu back then killed 100% of its victims, which is just slightly better than the greatest modern killer of all - greater even than an atomic bomb. And that ruthless killer is none other than a Wanda Sykes induced suicide, caused by indecent exposure to her person, voice, likeness, attempted humor, scent, or even an indirect gaze into a mirror in which her reflection is displayed. And how much exposure is indecent you ask? Scientific studies show that just .0001 seconds of indirect or direct exposure can leave the most humor-deaf person foaming at the mouth with the inexorable urge to JUST MAKE IT STOP!

Note: While I do check my facts, there is always room for error from the scientists themselves. For instance, the same scientists who proved the above statistics are also in staunch agreement with the rest of the swine in the scientific community that global warming is a major threat and requires swift and massive action and regulation and taxing by the federal government.

"What'll we do about this global warming, Bill?"
"Well, let's spin the wheel of legislative decision-making and find out!"
*spins*
"Let's see, raise taxes, take bribe, listen to lobbyist, raise taxes, listen to union, raise taxes, raise taxesssss, come onnnn!!! oh! What?!? Listen to taxpayer? How'd that get on there? Is this some kind of joke?"
"Oh, must have been that intern we just fired. Just raise taxes, if it's still around in six months we'll have a caucus in Tahiti to decide whose taxes to raise next."

However, I do wholeheartedly agree that Wanda Sykes is definitely a threat to the well-being of the human race and humor in general, and most definitely should be regulated and taxed and thrown into Guantanamo.

Speaking of pigs, the swine flu is also known by another less common name - the Jerry Springer flu.

"Today's show: Hillbillies, and the pigs who love them. With me today is Cletus. Now, Cletus, you're not here just to tell your wife AnnieBethAnnabelle that you have contracted the swine flu, are you? So, please, tell us how you, shall we say, hogtied yourself to the disease."

"Well Jerry, Lurleen, our prize pig, was a-struttin' her stuff out back in da mud one day, and, well, I-"

"What? What did you do, you self-righteous two-toother?" yells AnnieBethAnnabelle. "Yer thinkin' yer all better than me just cuz I only got ol' chomper?"

*crowd oooohs*

"Well Annie," says Jerry, "let's settle this once and for all. Lurleen? Come on out!"

*camera whips to a pig emerging from behind a glittering curtain. It is wearing pink high hooves, and striking a surprisingly alluring pose for a pig*

*chaos ensues*

So in short, I'll get swine flu when pigs fly.