Celebrating One Year of Random Humor

Yesterday, January 23rd, one year ago, was the day I started this blog with the main purpose of sharing some of my best writings-to-date. Little did I know at the time that it would develop into something that I would spend countless hours "working" on. However, once I started running out of previously written essays and stories, my blogs started getting more and more sparse, because I wasn't sure what to write about. There was even one time where I didn't blog for a month and a half.

But little by little, I started thinking of new things to write about, to the point where I would start having at least 5-6 fairly large blogs per month. I started writing about things that happened in my own life, from experiences at my job at Taco Bell, to getting my wisdom teeth pulled, to my studly tortoise, and many things in between. I began to realize this wasn't something I was just going to use to regurgitate old essays on, I was actually going to have to write and be creative on a regular basis! This threw a proverbial wrench in my normal schedule of writing creatively, the frequency of which fell somewhere between the range of "Never" and "Only When Forced".

But I have immensely enjoyed writing all 43 of my blog entries, this being my 44th. Looking back, I would never have imagined that I could have written all that I did. A few weeks ago, I went through and read all of my previous blogs, and thought of a potentially fun idea: Make an interactive test about the content of this blog where readers can use the comments section to take the test. It could have multiple choice, true/false, short answer, and fill in the blank questions, but knowing me, it wouldn't be your average test. So I put together a 22 question test, including one extra credit question for you overachievers, and without further ado, here it is...

Sean's Cumulative Examination, Measuring the Retention of One Year of Random Humor.


Directions:
-To take the test, click on the Comments link at the end of this blog, choose the answer that you think is correct for each question, and be sure to leave your name so I can recognize the people who do the best on my test in a future blog and possibly reward them with large cash prizes, and maybe a cookie! Oh, and by the way, just like any other public school test, cheating is not only condoned but recommended, because that way you have an excuse to read some of my classic blogs in order to find the answers. Good luck!


1. When was my first blog entry published?
a) January 23th, 2004
b) January 23rd, 2004
c) January 23nd, 2004
d) You have a blog?

2. What is the name of the famous caveman mentioned in my first blog entry?
a) Blog
b) Fluffy
c) Blarg
d) Shaquille O'Neal

3. When is my favorite time to start writing a blog entry?
a) As soon as I wake up, bright and early in the morning.
b) As soon as I wake up, bright and early in the afternoon.
c) After the sun goes down, ensuring that I don't finish until the wee hours of the morning.
d) Whenever the rubber chicken tells me to.

4. Who is my favorite superhero?
a) Superman
b) Radioactive Man
c) Mucus Man
d) That little Japanese Guy who can eat over 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

5. Choose the correct answer to this sentence: "Hi, would you like any hot or mild sauce?"
a) Yes, please.
b) No, thank you.
c) Yeah, I want a LOT of sauce.
d) Gee, your hair smells delicious.

6. Have I ever actually hit anyone with a tire iron?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Once, but he deserved it.
d) Who hasn't?

7. What was my favorite TV show when I was a little kid?
a) Seseme Street
b) Sewing with Fran
c) Static
d) Wheel of Fortune

8. What is a "River Snake"
a) The name of a river.
b) The name of a snake.
c) Poop.
d) A special ingredient that rude customers get in their burrito.

9. I have never lost money from people trying to scam me at work.
a) True
b) False
c) All of the above
d) None of the above

10. I have been known to wear a piano at formal occasions from time to time.
a) True
b) False

11. Do monkeys really have pockets?
a) Yes, stupid.
b) No.
c) Of course, they need to put their Ex-Lax somewhere.
d) Yes, otherwise they wouldn't be able to use this pick-up line: "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

12. Fill in the blank: What is my tortoise's name? ___________

13. Fill in the blanks: Shya! And _______ could fly out of my _______.

14. What is the most carbonated mountain range in the world?
a) The Rocky Mountains
b) The Himalayas
c) The Appalachians
d) The Sierra Nevadas

15. BEEEEEEEEEEEP?
a) BEEP!
b) BEEEEEP!
c) BEEEEEEEEEP!
d) BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

16. Fill in the blank: What is the absolute coolest rap persona ever created? _______________________.

17. Which of the following is NOT an actual comment I received from one of my fellow college students about my story, Darkside?
a) I like how it is so suddle.
b) I like the honesty you can tell this character isnt completely sain.
c) Best...Story...EVER!
d) I came in late to class and only herd 1/4 of it. and new what this story was aimin toward. Awsome delivery soft and the begging hard punch in the middle and smooth drive at the end.

18. What is that thing with the sauce on it?
a) Your guess is as good as mine.
b) The Quesadilla.
c) The Bean Burrito.
d) The Chalupa that one of the employees sneezed on.

19. How old am I?
a) 4
b) 15
c) 20
d) Whatever age my fake ID says I am.

20. Short Answer: What would be a good name for the Rubber Chicken that sits on my desk?

21. Short Answer: Out of all of my blog entries, which one(s) is/are your favorite(s)?

22. Short Answer: What do you like most about my blog?

23. Extra Credit: What number am I thinking of right now?
a) 3
b) 157
c) 1117
d) WRONG!!!

Taco Bell Stories Aplenty

The last two days at work have been rather enjoyable. And I can think of only two words to describe why: Happy Hour. I...uhh...oh wait. Wrong job. What I meant to say was: Crazy Customers. That's right. Those two little words can make the difference between a fun day at work and a boring day at work for me. Anyone can be a normal customer at a drive-thru restaurant. But few customers are actually worthy of earning the title of "Crazy Customer", for it takes a special type of person to be able to set dignity aside and make a fool out of himself for my entertainment. And if they are lucky, they are bestowed the honor of having their story immortalized into eternal blogdom. And now, enough with the formalities, lets get to the stories!!!


Taco Bell Story #1 - "Clueless"

I am at the first window, collecting the money for an order. A truck pulls up to the menu, and Miguel takes his order at the second window. As I finish giving the change for the first order, I look out the window and see the truck stopped about 5 feet farther than he should have been. The driver is yelling his order at the speaker which is several feet to his left. Then, amazingly, when Miguel reads his order back, the man cannot hear Miguel very well, probably because the speaker is pointed at his rear tire.

So after Miguel repeats his order in vain, the man pulls up to my window, and asks me to repeat his order. So I comply, and the following conversation begins between us...

Note: The words in parenthesis are the thoughts which are going through my mind as this conversation progresses.

Him: Can I add a drink?
(No.)
Me: Sure.
Him: Iced tea?
(Here we go...)
Me: We only have Raspberry iced tea, is that ok?
Him: Oh, is that flavored?
(It's uhh...raspberry flavored. Duh?)
Me: Yeah...
Him: Oh, well give me a Diet then.
(Because you're a pansy?)
Me: Ok. It's $11.14.
Him: *Starts to drive away to the second window*
(Oh good, he's leaving, I...wait a second...)
Me: *Yells* You pay here!!

At this point, he had already driven forward about 5 feet or so. He tried to back up, but another truck had already placed an order and was behind him on his tail. So he sat in his truck for 20 seconds or so getting his money out, and finally opened his door, walked over to my window, and said...

Him: Here's $11.05. Keep the change.
(Gee, I'd love to, if you had given me more than the actual amount you owe!!!)
Me: Uhh...Ok, whatever.

At that point, I really didn't care about losing 9 cents. It was a small price to pay to get him out of my drive-thru.


Taco Bell Story #2 - "Listening Skills"

Again, Miguel was taking an order at the second window, and when the customer seemed to be done with his order, Miguel asked:

Miguel: Anything to drink?
Customer: No, just a medium Pepsi.


Taco Bell Story #3 - "Nice Try"

Last Friday, Miguel was joking around with me and he asked if I wanted to join the army since one of our former employees left to do just that a few months ago. I said, "No, that's ok," and he laughed and stopped asking me shortly thereafter.

Later on in the night, business was slow, so I was talking with Miguel to pass the time, and into the dining room come three army guys dressed in their military attire. Miguel and I just looked at each other and laughed. Miguel made some comment like, "They're here for you!"

To make things easier, these three guys will be called Guy 1, Guy 2, and Guy 3.

So I take Guy 1's order while trying not to laugh too much, and sure enough, as soon as he finishes, he looks at my name tag and says:

Guy 1: So Sean, you ever thought of joining the army?
Me: *In a casual, nonchalant tone of voice* No, not really.

When I said that, Guy 2 burst into laughter. Guy 1 looked back at Guy 2 and gave him an incredibly menacing look as if to say, "Shut up! My commanding officer says I need 4 more recruits or else I'll be a test subject for an army experiment entitled "The Human Pincushion".

Guy 2, recoiling from the look Guy 1 gave him, replied, "What? That was funny!"

They didn't ask me if I wanted to join the army anymore after that. Lucky them.


Taco Bell Story #4 - "An Odd Fellow"

This time, I'm taking orders at the second window, and another cashier, Tony, is collecting money at the first window. I take a man's order, he pays, and comes to the second window. He is a fairly regular customer, and is quite eccentric and loud. His wife/girlfriend is sitting in the passenger seat, and is usually with him when they come through the drive-thru. I give him his food, he asks for more sauce, I give him more sauce, and he asks me what my name is. I tell him my name is Sean, he gives me some generic compliment, and takes off.

A couple of hours later, I am still taking orders at the second window. I take a man's order, but I cannot see who it is. When he is done ordering, the man says:

Man: Hey Sean.
Me: *confused* What's up?
Man: Hey, you're doing a great job, keep up the good work.
Me: Uhh, thanks...

I have no idea who it is, so I go over to the first window thinking it's one of my friends, and see that it's the same guy as before. I greet him by saying:

Me: Back already?
Him: Yeah, I brought my other girlfriend.

So being the curious person that I am, I looked in the truck at the person sitting in the passenger seat, and saw someone different than the lady who was there 2 hours ago. In fact, he looked quite different than before.

Now, I realize that the driver was most likely joking, and I thought it was pretty funny that he had just called another man his girlfriend, and that the "girlfriend" guy had a rather nervous expression on his face when he heard his "friend" call him that. So I went with it.

Me: Oh! She's quite a looker!

Both of them laughed at that one, and I was so deafened by my own wit that I didn't really hear what he said in response to that, but drawing from my past experiences of taking that guy's orders and talking with him, I'm pretty sure I didn't miss too much. At least he didn't ask for more sauce the second time around, because I forgot my tire iron at home. (If you get this joke, congratulations! You are a Sean's Random Humor Veteran! If you don't get it, looks like you've got some studying to do before the big test that's coming up...that's right, you don't think that this blog is all fun and games, do you?)

Warning: Do Not Read This Blog

First of all, a formal belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. And if any of you don't celebrate Christmas or are Chinese, my humble apologies, but get over it. I'm not politically correct.

For Christmas, one of the presents I received from my parents was an iPod Mini. For those of you who don't know, an iPod is a fancy MP3 player (If you don't know what that is, you're probably Amish, so what are you doing using a computer to read this blog in the first place?) that is made by Apple Computer. Yes, I know what you're thinking, and no, amazingly, it doesn't suck. It can hold up to 4 GB of music, or in layman's terms, more music than any normal person could ever want to listen to. And that's just the mini version. The regular iPod holds as much as 40 GB of music, or in layman's terms, you'll go deaf before you listen to all the music you can put on it.

So the iPod is revolutionary in the sense that it can hold so many songs, is relatively hassle-free, and costs about a hundred dollars more than it's worth. Plus, you can buy some really laughable accessories for it, like an iPod holder for your car cupholder. Now all of your troubles are over! Instead of just harmlessly putting your iPod in the cupholder itself, you can spend $39.95 and place this device in your car cupholder, set your iPod on it, and spend the rest of your time staring at the stupidest purchase you've ever made.

I have around 400 songs on my iPod Mini right now, and it's only half full. And I have to say I'm very pleased with it so far. Though honestly, I was a little wary of it when I first installed the iPod software on my computer and read the disclaimer:

"THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE."

Wait. So what they're saying is this thing costs $250, and you can't even use it to operate a nuclear facility?!? Great, just great. And what good is an MP3 player if you can't use it to power a life support system? Oh well, money buys less and less nowadays it seems.

But seriously, how litigious are we if a company has to write something like that on a disclaimer for a device that solely plays music? What idiot would use an MP3 player to operate air traffic control? I suppose I could see them being used as a last resort by air traffic controllers instead of those little flags since the iPod Mini comes in lots of different colors, like blue, green, pink, orange, strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, tutti-frutti, oh-rutti, a wop bop a loo bop a lop bam bam. But besides that, I see no reason to write such an insane and irrational disclaimer. Just say, "If you use this device for anything other than playing music, and something goes wrong, we are not responsible for your ignorance, stupid."

And this isn't just specific to Apple Computers either. Not even close. My mom bought one of those incredibly soft and comfortable pillows with the miniature beads inside of them, and it had a tag on it. On the tag, the very first line read:

Warning: Do not use for sleeping.

And then, a few lines down, it said:

• For decorative purposes only.

Again, maybe I just don't understand the retarded mentality behind this, but it seems to me if you buy an incredibly cozy pillow for $10, you aren't just buying it for its looks. Most people don't buy pillows just to set them aside and stare lovingly at them, wondering what it must feel like to rest their head on it. You buy a pillow to sleep on it for goodness sake. What happens when you're really tired, and the only pillow nearby is the pillow of forbidden sleep? Will you be brave enough to defy the almighty tag and willingly refuse to heed its dire warnings? Or will the suspense be so great that you must succumb to its will and put off slumber until you can find a non-decorative pillow that is actually designed for sleeping?

Who cares? I'm going to sleep.

Breaking News!!

Over the last couple of days, Southern California has been fiercely hit by the most dreaded duo of natural disasters: Long Waiting Lines to Return Unwanted Christmas Presents, and The Realization That California is Going to Slowly Sink into the Pacific Ocean If We Don't Get in Shape After All The Food We Ate During the Holidays. Wait a minute, those are man-made problems, and trivial ones at that. Actually, SoCal has been recently battered by this catastrophic couple: Rain and Wind.

That's right, once again it has rained in California, causing great discomfort and inconvenience to the locals who just took their Urban Onroad Hummers to the car wash. And not only was there rain, but it was accompanied by its good friend, wind, which caused several innocent branches and leaves to dismember themselves from their tree sweet tree and to all be hurled seemingly on top of my car. I guess the next time the only available parking space lies below a dirty tree, I'll just park in the middle of the street. That'll teach those trees to thoughtlessly trigger their tree trash to tumble. (WooHOO!! 12-word alliteration extravaganza!)

Actually, by California's standards, we're experiencing some pretty heavy rain and strong winds. However, by the rest of the world's standards, we're just experiencing some light sprinkling and a slight breeze, also commonly known as "God's Sneeze". I saw on the news that a tornado actually touched down in Inglewood a few days ago. They were classifying it as the weakest type of tornado possible in terms of size and intensity, yet it was still the top story on the news today. In the rest of the country, it would most likely be dismissed by most people and classified as a "Drip N' Draft" or a "Bad Hair Day".

I think this is California's way of trying to feel sorry for itself, because we don't have any real problems to complain about. Even our earthquakes are usually nothing compared to some of the big ones throughout history in Japan and especially the recent disaster in Asia. In fact, California has absolutely nothing to worry about. The only natural disaster we have hanging over our heads is the fabled big earthquake that is supposed to happen anytime now. It's supposed to be the earthquake to end all earthquakes, the biggest one in California's history, so naturally, it was given an extremely clever and momentous name: "The Big One".

If you ask me, I think that "The Big One" is just an elaborate scare-tactic used by seismologists in order to keep their jobs in demand. They know there's no huge earthquake coming anytime soon, so they just make up a bunch of information like "seismic readings" and "scientific facts" and pass them off as the truth. And each time they predict that "The Big One" will occur, they are always wrong and they get one step closer to becoming as unreliable as the weatherman.

So until we get hit by "The Big One" and finally receive our time in the disaster spotlight, we have to make a big deal out of a little rain and wind - meanwhile, the rest of the world is laughing at us for being wimps, while they are being swept away by a 50 foot tidal wave which was started by an earthquake that measured 16.7 out of a possible 1-10 on the Richter Scale and which is propelled by a hurricane consisting mostly of air, water, smallpox, and several rusty chainsaws...while walking uphill through 40 miles of snow...AND THEY LIKED IT DAG-NABBIT!!!!

After such an occurance, for example, the Indonesian news would probably casually mention towards the end of the newscast that there was a small oceanic disturbance earlier today which was caused by a slight shifting of the crustal region accompanied by some minor drizzling, modest winds, premature pimpling, and minimal loss of limbs.

On a typical Californian news channel, that exact same event would be the tragic top story. It would look something like this:

Anchorman: Our top story tonight: A tidal wave of death and destruction wreaked havoc today. It was caused by the biggest earthquake in the history of mankind, which opened up great gaping chasms and swallowed innocent civilians alive. Those who managed to not be swept away by the tidal wave or kept from being eaten alive by the earth were carried up into a massively powerful hurricane which was believed to have the ability to cause your body to break out in festering sores and had the superintelligence to manufacture heavy yet shoddy machinery. The end is near people! You must listen to me!! We haven't much time!

Speaking of listening, I am reminded of something that happened at work a few days ago in the drive-thru. I was ready to take the order, but the lady wanted to ask me a question first...

Lady: Do you have bottled water?
Me: No, we don't.
Lady: Ok, I'll take 3 of those.