Essay? What Essay?

Yeah, so, as always, I leave things to the last minute.

I've known I had a 3 page essay due today (It's past 1 AM right now, Thursday morning) for several days now.

So I figured I had better take a look at the prompt and get around to writing it pretty soon, seeing as how it's due in 10 hours, and I'll need to sleep for at least 6 of those hours, and spend a few more of those hours driving and vainly attempting to find a parking spot in the "parking" (And I use the term loosely) lot at CSULB.

So lo and behold, I crank out a three-page essay which takes me a grand total of about 30 minutes. This is surprising for me at least because I had no idea what I was supposed to write about until I looked up the prompt online, and I even spent some of that time looking up quotes for a movie we had to write about. (The movie is entitled, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum", which is a hilarious movie made in 1966, which also happens to be quite sexual and dirty, unfortuntately. But besides that fact, the dialogue and characters are brilliant and it was a lot of fun.) The essay was about how the movie and also a play which I mentioned in my last blog, "The Braggart Soldier", are self-referential, among other things. I dunno, I wrote it in 30 minutes, I didn't have a lot of time to memorize the prompt.

Yeah, so being an English major at CSULB rocks, as long as you a) get there before the cars in the parking lot are so tightly packed together that they are stacked on top of each other, and b) you don't get stuck in traffic.

Today, a drive to school that normally takes about 25 minutes took 55 minutes because there was a completely isolated accident in the carpool lane on the northbound 405 freeway, the side I was on. Not only was our traffic stop-and-go, but the other southbound lane was slowing down and becoming bumper-to-bumper, even though the accident wasn't even on their side! So basically, thanks to everyone killing their cats, traffic was completely slowed down so these curious *coughnosycough* people could absentmindedly gawk at an accident that didn't appear to be more than a fender bender.

And of course, as soon as I passed the accident, traffic speed went from 15 MPH-30 MPH to 65+ MPH. It's amazing what idiotic gawking can do to a perfectly good freeway.

Reminds me of people who don't have the multi-tasking skills necessary to drive and maintain their speed and stay at or slightly above the speed limit while yakking on their cell phones about who cares what. I honestly don't understand how some people cannot have the basic foot-mouth coordination necessary to keep their lead foot pressed on the gas while at the same time talk about how Aunt Sally's cookies don't taste as good since she moved next to the pet cemetery. I don't care. Seriously. Are they so caught up in listening to their own voice that all other bodily tasks cease to function? I really don't get it. If you can't handle talking and driving at the same time, if idle chatter takes up such a substantial portion of your mind that you can't pay attention to what is going on around you, do us all a favor and either hang up your phone and throw it out the window or sell your car and burn your license.

Yeah, I'm tired and I spent too much time on the road today. I'm going to bed. More sarcastic blogs on the way...

Books, Books, and More Books!

I promised myself I'd do this "book meme" thing that Aaron (Wow! You've been mentioned in two straight blogs! Aren't you proud? Aren't you??? Goochie goochie goo! Who's the big boy? Who's the big boy?!?!? Youuuu areeeee! Wheeeeeeeee!) "infected" me with about thirteen years ago. So who's ready? Memememememe!



1. Total Number of Books I've Owned:
Hmm, including school textbooks I've saved and the books I had as a child (Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, and Hardy Boys books anyone?), probably about 125-150, give or take a bunch or two.


2. Last Book I Bought:
The last book I bought for personal reading was Small Gods by Terry Pratchett, which I will talk more about later. Technically, the last book I bought was for school though, and I bought a few: Plautus' Four Comedies, Machiavelli's Mandragola, and Emile Habiby's The Secret Life of Saeed.

I read "The Braggart Soldier" by Plautus, which is a play, and it was pretty humorous and witty, which surprised me as Plautus lived from 254-184 BC. I guess I just expected that people who lived that long ago didn't have senses of humor or something, because when I found myself laughing at this play, I was almost caught off guard. Of course, it is translated for a modern audience, but I was impressed at how well it adapts to a modern audience.

I haven't finished "Mandragola" yet, but I'm about halfway through it. So far, my conclusion is that even though I'm sure Machiavelli was an outstanding thinker in his time, this play just proves the fact that just because you're well learned doesn't mean you're inherently funny too. The dialogue and overall setup of the whole thing is so pretentious I can hardly keep myself from skimming through it half-heartedly. It just seems to be following the common cliche of that time involving a treacherous love story with plenty of conniving, back-stabbing, lying, and cheating. Hey, that's what "The Braggart Soldier" was about too, but at least Plautus has some wit and sarcasm in his bitingly fast-paced humor, unlike the slow crawl that is "Mandragola". But hey, I've still got 20 pages left, there's still hope. Right? RIGHT!?!?!

3. Last Book I Read:
For Fun: Small Gods. To be honest, the reason I didn't do this blog topic when I was first "infected" with it was because the last book I had read at that time was A Passage to India by E.M. Forster, and I had just written an essay about it and I didn't really like the book all that much, so I didn't feel like putting it down as being the last book I had read. I wanted to be able to mention a book that I could be proud to proclaim as being the last book I have read. And this book, my friends, is worth all the praise worthy of being called the last book I have read. For fun, that is...

For School: Heart of Darkness. I read this book once before, in my last semester at OCC. We had about a month to read it, so I happily took just about the whole month to plow through it, reading a few pages a day. That's probably why I wasn't too fond of it, because I didn't really give myself a chance to get into it. So this time, I read it in two days, and I enjoyed it much more since I knew what to expect this time and I was looking forward to getting to some of my favorite parts. Plus, my teacher only gave us a week to read it and I left it to the last two days.

Procrastination is an amazing motivator.

4. Five Books That Mean a Lot to Me:

(In no particular order)

a) Small Gods by Terry Pratchett - Finally, I get to talk about this book. First, some background:

I had recently finished reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, which was, at that time, probably one of the funniest novels I've ever read. I wasn't really looking to get a new book at the time, but Erica and I went to a Barnes and Noble anyway. As we stepped in, I remember just letting the book store floor plan do with me what it would, and it took me straight to the science fiction section. Looking for nothing in particular, I was looking at various titles of books, seeing if anything struck my interest. After about 5 seconds, I saw a picture of a turtle on the spine of a book. My reptilian instincts kicked in, and I was immediately drawn to it. I picked it out, and looked at it. It boasted a picture of a smirking turtle with a black eyepatch over one eye, and it was entitled, Small Gods.

As you can see from my previous blog, I will buy anything with a turtle on it. If someone manufactured a Scratch N' Sniff that smelled like week old underwear, marinated in sewage-covered roadkill droppings, but there was a picture of a turtle on it, I'd buy it in a second.

Back to the story. At this time, I had no idea who Terry Pratchett was. I had no idea he was a British writer similar to Douglas Adams, with quite a reputation and an entire ever-growing series of books. So the turtle intrigued me. Now it was time for the book to win me over with its content. As we walked through the store, I read the first few pages, laughing out loud more than once, reading select parts to Erica to gauge her reaction to make sure it wasn't just me being partial to its humor due to the fact that there was a turtle on the cover. And sure enough, she laughed too. I think she sensed that if she didn't put in a good laugh for the book, we'd be there all day trying to decide if I should get it or not. So I decided to take a chance and buy it, and let me tell you...best $7 I've ever spent.

I really can't do this book justice with a short and/or concise plot summary, because I'd be leaving so much out. Lets just say that I've never laughed so much or so hard at any book in my life, ever. And it's not just funny in certain parts either. It is hilarious throughout the entire book; there's never a dull moment.

My favorite character (of course!) is the turtle, who happens to be the great god Om, who accidentally manifests himself into the form of a turtle, and is then too weak to change himself back into a more prestigious creature to inspire his believers. So he's forced to see the world through the eyes of a turtle for three years, until he meets a young yet rather dense worker who believes in him, and the story expands from there, and I won't go any further into it because it's such a fun story that I wouldn't want to spoil it for any potential readers.

Om is the funniest character in the book. For anyone who has seen the show Family Guy, think of Stewie the baby, take his biting sarcasm and wit, remove his swearing and sexual innuendo, place him into the feeble and slow body of a turtle, and increase his comic capability by about 300%, and you have the great god Om.

I could go on and on about this book, and I hope some of you go and read it, especially if you like/love/appreciate turtles and their behavior and mannerisms, as some of the funniest parts are playing off of the fact that this once-powerful god is now shamefully imprisoned in this pathetically weak turtle's body, and the frustration that emanates from these situations is laugh out loud funny.

I have to say it is one of my top three favorite books, if not my favorite. I'll have to read it another time probably before it can claim that prestigious spot.


b) Sphere by Michael Crichton - I promise the rest of my book explanations won't be that long. I first read Sphere back in middle school I think, probably around 6th grade. I have since read it 5 times, and it has been my favorite book for a long time now. It basically got me starting to read other Michael Crichton books and exploring the fiction/science fiction genres. I like Michael Crichton's other books, and I want to read State of Fear when it comes out in paperback, but Sphere's incredibly fascinating story still stays strong in my memory after all these years.

(By the way, don't ever watch the movie version of Sphere. It is horrible. I fell asleep.)


c) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, by Douglas Adams - These first two books in the Hitchhiker's Guide series opened my eyes to great British authors who can write a fun and interesting story while keeping good-quality humor a constant and ever-present force in the novel. Ever since reading Big Trouble by Dave Barry, I was of the impression that most humorous novels have some funny parts scattered throughout the book, but having something funny on every page, oftentimes more than once a page, just was too much to ask for and didn't happen. And I was disappointed with Dave Barry, as I love his columns and other non-fictional books which are mostly his columns in book version, with some original exceptions, like his famous guides to guys, travel, and so on. But his novel just didn't cut it in the humor department.

Enter Britain. Enter writers such as Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett and I'm sure many others whom I have not heard of yet. Douglas Adams made me realize that humor can happen on every page, and Terry Pratchett accentuated that fact by making me laugh even harder on every page. Yes, the first two Hitchhiker's books are hilarious, but I personally am of the opinion that Small Gods beats them both in terms of overall hilarity. But it's a very close call, mind you.


d) Out of the Silent Planet and Perelandra by C.S. Lewis - Why not the trilogy? That Hideous Strength just took too long to develop for my tastes. After what seemed like 200-300 pages, they're still slowly building up to the climax, which admittedly, is a fun read, but the trip to get there just was too drawn out for me. But the first two books are fictional/fantasy masterpieces, filled with wonder and exploration and action and fun. I really enjoyed reading them, and I'm sure most everyone has read them at one time or another, so a long explanation isn't needed.

e) The Impatient Turtle by Janette Oke - Yeah, so what? I'm obsessed. I admit it. This was one of my favorite books to read when I was a kid, and was probably part of the reason why I love turtles so much now. It's one of the few books from my childhood that I insist on keeping in the house while almost all of my other childhood books are stashed away in the garage. To be honest, I haven't read it all the way through in a while, so I don't remember the story too well, I just have fond memories of it as a child. And turtles rock.


f) Honorable Mention: Dean Koontz, and pretty much any book he's ever written. I've read probably at least 15 of his novels, and I've enjoyed every single one. He's a fantastic storyteller who usually has some kind of a positive moral at the end of his stories, even though some horrific things can happen to his characters along the way. But the reason he isn't up on the list is because it's 2:30 AM and I don't feel like trying to remember which book of his is my favorite, but it didn't feel right to leave him completely out. So here's to you, Mr. Koontz.


5. People I Will Infect With This Meme:
I don't think it's necessary to infect anyone else on purpose at least. If reading this blog inspires someone to do one of their own to try and make theirs longer than mine or something, then go ahead. Be my guest. And be sure to stop by your local bookstore and pick up a copy of Small Gods by Terry Pratchett. The power of Om compels you!

Flippin' Floyd

I am forcing myself to blog. I have lots of other things I could be doing at this moment, but I've decided to spend some time trying to fix my "broken blog" as Aaron so candidly put it. I'm curious to see if I remember how to form a complete sentence without succumbing to the frivolous temptation of slamming my fist down on the keyboard for no particular reason.

jhymnjhymn.

Nope.

And before any of you smart alecks contest the fact that I have, in fact, completed two sentences already before battering my keyboard with a barrage of brutal blows, stop thinking so hard.


Erica and I went to the Greek festival over at St. Paul's yesterday because she had to write a report about a specific culture for her anthropology class. Of course, there are the typical booths you see at any festival, carnival, or restaurant with an exceedingly corpulent clientele. We went to those first to look at all the crosses and ornate jewelry they were showing off. As we progressed along one side, I looked across the way to a booth where there were dozens of what appeared to be small rectangular fish tanks. Since Erica already has David IV and I've had my fill of sushi throughout the years, I passed along without giving it much regard.

We continued along, looking at various food, clothing, and jewelry booths, watching a Greek dancing exhibition, and wondering where the games and carnival rides were that the brochure promised. Giving up my hope of finding a bounce house, we headed back towards the entrance to look at the things we had missed on the other side. As we approached the booth where the aforementioned rectangular mini-quariums were, my attention perked when Erica exclaimed, "Sean, look! Turtles!"

As I helped up the poor unfortunate people I plowed over in my attempt to instantaneously place myself from my former turtle-deprived position to a more advantageous turtle viewing point next to the newly christened "Turtle Booth" with utter disregard to the basic properties of matter, namely, that two forms of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time, I glued my eyes on what were now manifesting themselves in front of my very eyes as tiny turtles!

(For those of you who do not know, turtles are my favorite animal.)

There were dozens of them! Tiny red-eared sliders, no more than two inches in diameter, each in their own colored mini-quarium with gravel and a little plastic plant for decor/exercise. Of course, I was intrigued. But, seeing as I already have Floyd, who up until today has been hibernating...in the middle of summer/beginning of fall...I was reluctant to impulsively buy one. However, contrary to my usually indecisive ways, there was one little guy who stood out immediately to me. He was climbing up his little plant, which is about 3 inches tall, and he made it to the top, and just sat there for a bit, basking in his triumph.

This reminded me of Floyd, who once climbed up to the top of some books on the first level of a large wooden bookcase we have in our house. Some of the books are anywhere from 6-12 inches high, yet somehow, Floyd managed to climb his way to the top of them, only to look around imploringly, wondering who would get him down from this precarious spot.

So naturally, I was immediately drawn to this little turtle, this natural climber. But I still wasn't sure if I should buy one yet. However, after much deliberation, I finally decided that this was going to be the water turtle I've been wanting for a long time. As we walked back to the car to temporarily store my new friend, Erica decided she wanted one too. So we went back, and she picked out a female who happened to be climbing up her plant also, and the next thing I knew, there were two tiny turtles in the car waiting to get to their new homes.

And right now, little Flip the Red-Eared Slider is hanging out between his plastic tree and a flat rock I gave him to bask on, waiting for me to go to a pet store and get him a bigger place so he can have even more glass to bang his shell against in a vain attempt at liberation.

And what does Floyd think of this new addition to the family? He's asleep in my closet.