Sunday, January 25, 2004

Mucus Man

Disclaimer: The following short story contains graphic depictions of nasal excrement. Read with caution...and preferably without a full stomach.

I wrote this short story back in my senior year of high school. The assignment was pretty much to create a hero with his own unique background and code of conduct. So naturally, Mucus Man was born. (And I got a 49/50 on this assignment)

Mucus Man

He's faster than a speeding snot rocket! He's MUCUS MAN!!!!!!

On a breezy spring day, three years ago, The Gigantic Nose Man was taking a walk on a trail with many colorful and pollinating flowers. Unfortunately for him, his sinuses were acting up, and his gigantic nose was flowing freely. He was doing all right until he inhaled a large amount of pollen from a flower he was passing, and he let out a disgusting, slimy, dirty sneeze. That was how Mucus Man was born.

At first, The Gigantic Nose Man was utterly appalled that such an abomination came out of his nose, but after a while, he finally accepted the fact that he did create him, and that he should care for Mucus Man. Of course, the obvious setback of having made completely out of snot, is that everything he touches gets snotty too. The couch, the silverware, the family dog, The Gigantic Nose Man's toothbrush, the television remote, the Kleenex box, etc... The list really can go on and on. Of course, as expected, The Gigantic Nose Man was not pleased after finding snot on his toothbrush, especially since he found out after he brushed his teeth.

Because of this, Mucus Man did not have many friends or possessions. The only thing The Gigantic Nose Man gave Mucus Man was a black bandanna to clean up all the snot with. However, Mucus Man was not very keen on cleaning up his snot. He felt that by generously applying snot everywhere he could, it was his way of "marking his territory". So like any other rebellious, booger-based teen, he cut holes in the bandanna, and wore it like a mask, so he would not draw as much attention in a crowd because he was cleverly disguised. However, most people notice a four-foot tall booger complete with arms and legs walking down the street, mask or no mask.

Eventually, Mucus Man decided that there was nothing to do with his life except become a superhero, a role model for all those boys (and uncivilized girls) who pick their noses on a regular basis. So he went to the local, friendly, family-oriented tattoo parlor, and got a big "M" tattooed on his belly. Your guess is as good as mine as to how it is possible to tattoo a large booger, but that is what happened. Then he went down to apply for a job as a superhero. After taking the necessary eye exams, he became a superhero. Now he goes around making appearances at birthday parties and on the Jay Leno show, ("Wow, you're a giant booger!" - Jay) and proudly spreading his green joy (which is now illegal in most states) everywhere he goes.

The End.

Code Of Conduct

To try and ban Kleenex.
To gladly spread green joy throughout the land.
To boldly go where no snot has gone before.

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