Friday, May 21, 2004

The Prideful Lion and The Poo-Flinging Monkey

This little story made me realize how much I like to write. I wrote this back in my Junior year in high school as an assignment where I had to make up a fable and pick at least 1 of the 7 deadly sins (Pride, Greed, Lust, Anger, Gluttony, Envy, and Sloth) and apply it to a character in the fable. At the end, I had to include a moral to the story summing everything up in a nice little package.

When I finished writing it, I gave it to my parents to read...I'd never seen my Dad or my Mom laugh so hard before. I shared it with a couple friends at school...they thought it was hilarious too. When my teacher read it...she was totally grossed out. I loved the comments she wrote on my paper...

Such as:
This is really nasty!
...and at the top: Bizarre Story! 20/20.

So I knew I had found something I liked to do. Writing. Heck, how else can I make someone laugh and vomit at the same time? When you find something good, you gotta run with it. So here it is, my first leap into the realm of creative writing, written nearly four years ago.

The Prideful Lion and The Poo-Flinging Monkey

Once upon a time, there was a prideful lion who was the king of the jungle. He would walk around knowing that there was no animal in his jungle that could outrun him. One day, he met a monkey sitting in a tree. Now this monkey was special because he was the king of the monkey farm. More importantly though, he was a very wrathful monkey. When the wrathful monkey laid eyes upon the lion, he immediately reached into his anus and began flinging poo at the lion. Fortunately, the lion was the fastest animal in the jungle, and he easily dodged the poo that was flung by the monkey. Distraught at his failure, the monkey cursed violently because he had always hit his target in the past.

The monkey thought the situation over and decided that he needed to practice his poo-flinging skills. So he swung over to the home of the jungle's only three-toed sloth. It took the sloth four days to get the poo out of his fur after the monkey's visit. Feeling much more confident, the monkey climbed up a tree and feasted on a patch of bananas. After twenty minutes, the monkey had eaten the entire patch of bananas, and he was quite full. The monkey stumbled back over to his tree to sleep it off. When he awoke, he felt quite refreshed and was ready to take on the lion.

Meanwhile, the lion was feeling very good after his evasion of the monkey and his fragrant poo. However, he was feeling a little bit hungry. So he went and found a cheerful family of squirrels, three in all, and brutally mauled and ate them. Pleased with his actions, he made his way back to his cave only to find the monkey waiting for him. They exchanged threatening glances for a few seconds, then suddenly, the monkey reached back, waited, waited, pushed, grunted, pushed, waited, pushed, grunted, and waited, but nothing came out! The lion, watching this, was becoming amused by watching this whole ordeal. He began to walk over to the monkey while licking his chops in anticipation. The monkey was still trying to get something to happen when he remembered that he had eaten all those bananas earlier. He finally realized his situation...he was constipated!

When he looked up and saw the lion approaching, he immediately ran away and up the nearest tree before the lion could catch him. He was halfway up the tree when he realized his mistake in running up the tree...he was trapped! The lion, growing more pleased by the moment, came up to the base of the tree, and growled at the monkey. The monkey, about to give up all hope, suddenly got an idea. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a bottle of ex-lax. He took two pills and waited. After thirty minutes had passed, the monkey reached into his rectal cavity and pushed.

SSSSSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! The ex-lax worked, but too well. He pooped out enough poo to choke three horses. The monkey now had a handful of poo, and then some. The lion, seeing this new development, started to run away. He had no fear of being hit because he was the fastest animal in the jungle. The monkey threw the poo that was in his hand, scooped up the poo that was lying on the tree and threw it, and picked up some residual poo that was left on the branches and leaves and threw that. Then the monkey jumped down from the tree and ran off in the direction that the lion had run.

He eventually found him, lying on the ground, covered from head to toe in the monkey's poo. The monkey looked at the lion and laughed, saying, "Look who's the prideful one now!" As the monkey was laughing, the lion looked at himself and struggled to get up under the massive weight of the monkey's poo. When he finally made it to his feet, he glared at the still-laughing monkey, and gobbled him up in one swift bite.


...or is it???

The Moral of this story is if you are prideful, you will either get poo flung at you, or you will be eaten by a lion. Also, if the monkey had not been wrathful by flinging poo in the first place, the whole situation would never have happened. So in other words, do not be wrathful and do not fling your poo at animals.

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