Good Ol' California

Well, Summer is over, Fall is here, and Winter is just around the corner. This means the start of the dreaded California Rainy Season. For those of you who are unfamiliar with California's weather, it does not rain very often here, and when it does, it usually means that I don't have to wash my car for another couple of weeks.

California's rainy season really isn't much of anything compared to the states that frequently experience hurricanes and tornados and blizzards and giant tarantula attacks. Ah, the things we miss out on by having our infernally temperate weather. All we get are the occasional wimpy earthquakes that don't even wake me up from my sleep at night. We're getting jipped!

But I think it's funny how the news media likes to try and inspire fear in us whenever they get the chance. For instance, it rained a couple weeks ago for the first time in several months, and it dropped a couple inches of rain, yet all the local news channels had breaking news stories about the "torrential downpour". And they all had unique ways of describing their ongoing coverage of the storm, like Storm Track, Weather Watch, Storm Watch, Weather Track, and other equally original ideas.

And then they would describe the storm as being extremely powerful and dangerous and capable of killing small children and the elderly in one swift blow. They would also give the storm names that classified it as dangerous, such as Death Torrent, Class 5 Kill Storm, Deluge of Destruction, Savage Showers, and things like that. Because they know perfectly well that an inch or two of rain isn't newsworthy, they have to Hollywoodize it and make it into a big deal. Meanwhile, every other state is laughing at us for being such pansies because we can't stand a little bit of rain.

It reminds me of a joke my Poli Sci teacher likes to tell. "One day God shook the Earth on its side, and all the fruits and nuts ended up in California." I guess that would explain the reasoning behind why I keep seeing so many commercials on TV as of late about these male-enhancing drugs on the market now. Drugs like Cialis and Viagra where on the commercial it shows this happy couple enjoying life together without a care in the world as a direct result of the man taking a pill. And then it goes on to list the side effects, including nausea, diarrhea, permarections, stroke, paralysis, Spastic Spleen Syndrome, oily discharge, and other lovely benefits.

Isn't anyone content with being who they are anymore? Why are we always bombarded by this constant striving to be the "perfect" person? We have shows like The Swan where women get complete plastic surgery makeovers because they just can't stand the way they look anymore. Oh cry me a frickin river. Maybe they shouldn't compare themselves to the standards of actors in Hollywood where you aren't beautiful until you have at least 5 pounds of silicon in your body somewhere. Maybe if they actually put some effort into staying fit and healthy, they wouldn't think so poorly of themselves later on in life.

Sometimes I wish I didn't live so close to Hollywood so I wouldn't be so directly affected by the mentality it tries to teach people, especially women. The Hollywood mentality basically tells girls and women that they should:

• Have the skinniest body with the least amount of fat regardless of how much you have to starve yourself to make it happen. And don't worry. If it gets too out of control and your butt and boobs get too flat, our good friend silicon will come to the rescue yet again.
• Wear as much makeup as possible to cover up any visible imperfections that may surface on your face. By all means don't let anyone get the idea that you are any less than perfect in any way. Cover every zit, wrinkle, and freckle up, because movie stars never have any visible imperfections, and your main goal is to strive to be like them in every way. Girls, don't be stingy with the lipstick and lip gloss. The more that gets on your glass when you drink, the cooler you are. It's not unattractive! No, not at all! Wearing lipstick doesn't make you look like a clown! Heavens no! Oh, and don't forget. You are in direct competition with every other girl on the face of the planet. If you ever see a girl who you think is prettier than you, imitate her in every way possible.
• Dress in revealing clothing, and flaunt yourself around wherever you go, because no guy will ever be interested in you if you don't. Always wear perfume to cover up your body scent, because no guy will want to know what you smell like normally.
• Never settle for someone who isn't the best looking guy in the world. So what if he lacks a personality, is an egotistical jerk, has nothing in common with you, and treats you like garbage? At least he's cute. And if worse comes to worse, restraining orders and divorces are becoming even easier to get nowadays. So don't worry about a thing.
• Remember that when you finally hook Mister Right, always tell him what he wants to hear. Lie to make him happy. Never tell him the truth if it endangers your relationship. Hide secrets from him when you don't know how he'll react to them. If he asks you about something you don't feel like sharing, avoid the question at all costs and change the subject, or pretend you didn't hear him. Honesty and openness in a relationship is a recipe for a break-up.

Gee, it's a wonder that so many marriages end in divorce. This whole charade couldn't have anything to do with it could it? You marry someone thinking you know who they are, and all of a sudden that person decides to stop pretending, and you see who they really are.

The moral of the story? Be happy with who you are, no matter what...To conform is to fail to be yourself...Honesty is the best policy...An open book will be read and understood while a closed book remains shrouded in mystery and suspicion. Maybe I should change my blog from Sean's Random Humor to Sean's Random Humor n' Wisdom. Or maybe I should continue the adventures of the poo-flinging monkey. Eh, either way.

The Comprehensive, Unequaled, and 100% Accurate History of Rap

After making my last post about that horrid Dance 360° show, I decided to take time out of my busy (hahahaha) life to do some research on the actual history of rap. And, unlike rap itself, the history of rap is quite entertaining and interesting. Please note that all of the information presented in this blog was tirelessly researched entirely by me and is 100% historically accurate, with a 1% margin of error, and only 85% of the statistics and facts were made up on the spot by me or the rubber chicken sitting on my desk.


The Early Beginnings of Rap
Many people do not know this, but from my very extensive research, I have found out that rap actually originated during the stone age. The exact date and time is unknown, but archaeologists have uncovered ancient cave writings which were written by a mysterious caveman who referred to himself as "Blog". For those of you who are loyal visitors to my blog, you will already know one of Blog's previous adventures (Scroll down to the last post, but feel free to read Mucus Man and my Modest Proposal on your trip down memory lane).

Anyway, Blog is the ancestor of all modern rappers, wannabe rappers who don't have the necessary skill involved to rap (i.e. forming a semi-coherent sentence, having basic motor skills, maintaining bladder control while speaking, etc...) but who still live the lifestyle, and little kids who try to hide their low self-esteem by acting tough, even though their mommies would wash their mouths out with soap if they ever cared enough to supervise them.

If you think about it, it makes sense that all modern rappers are descendants of Blog. After all, cavemen don't sound too particularly bright when they talk, and when you listen to what most rappers say nowadays, it usually consists of a main course of unintelligible dribble with a generous side dish of gratutitous swearing and a big slice of chocolate hate cake.

Getting back to the history of rap, those ancient cave writings that Blog scratched on the wall of his "cave sweet cave" were actually the world's first rap. Amazingly, it was very similar to the type of rap you listen to today. The main reason for that is because cavemen did not have a firm grasp on any language, not even their native tongue, Blogenese, which, conveniently enough, is exactly the same as English. And it's quite obvious to anyone who has heard more than a few seconds of a rap song today that no rapper has gotten higher than a "D" in any of their English classes. Though I'm sure they all did very well in P.E. (Prison Education). I'll bet they earned their stripes in that class.

So without further ado, here is the world's very first rap, written by Blog the Caveman.

"Blog go out of cave
Get hit by big wave
From where the water come?
Blog don't know, he be dumb

Blog go hunting for his dinner
So he doesn't get much thinner
He meet dino with jaws of steel
Make him slip via banana peel

Big bad dino fall down on its head
Should have killed something smaller instead
The dino fell and broke Blog's wheel
Now Blog's face is turning quite teal

You can imagine just how much Blog hurt
Like when he got mud all over the dirt
But he no need a wheel to travel
Just stay home and let life unravel

After all, Blog live in the Stone Age
No reason to even go outside his cave
Unless dino's brother find out what happened
And he come and make poor Blog all flattened"


Rap Throughout American History
Some well known figures in American history, I was shocked to discover, were also descendents of Blog the Caveman. That's right, even the founding fathers themselves were rappers. You know those powdered wigs they all wore? They just wore them because it made them look distinguished and smart. In reality, all they really did was they used the constitutional conventions as an excuse to get away from their families and get drunk. No one would ever have suspected them of doing that when they looked so dignified and professional in their powdered wigs. Also, it's not a very well known fact, but just before the U.S. Constitution was ratified, Thomas Jefferson freestyled the entire document in front of all the delegates:

Jefferson: Yo wiggas, this is how it'z all gonna slide. We da people be representin da United States ya'll. We be formin a more perfect union, establishin justice up in here, insurin domestic tranquilizzidy, and some other stuff I forgot. Oh yeah, drinkin beer too!!! Yeah yeah! T-Jeff is in da HOUZZ!!!


Rap in the Present Day
Somehow, this nation has persevered to where it is today. How? I haven't the slightest clue, but I know it's taken a whole lot of drinking to attain our current greatness. And that legacy still lives on to this very day. It is proven by our places of higher learning, or skools, for any rappers reading.

Take, for instance, the notorious party schools of our time. Schools that students yearn to go to not for their brilliant teachers or beneficial learning environments, but for their ever-important Alcoholics to Sober Students ratio, or the ASS ratio.

This critical ratio is carefully researched every year to determine which schools contain students who are more likely to become intoxicated on a regular basis, and who are willing to share that method of intoxication with others.

Per my research, I have discovered that there are many schools that have particularly large ASS ratings. One of these schools surprised me very much when I saw its huge, fat, pimply ASS rating - Oxford University. Yes, that's right. Oxford University, supposedly one of the most prestigious schools in the entire world and most of Canada, was actually founded by a drunkard! See what good a little research can do?

Oxford University was founded by Ox Ford, the younger, dumber, and fatter brother of Henry Ford. Ox was perpetually jealous of his older brother because of his success and fame, so he decided that he would do something with his life. Since he was a heavy drinker, the best thing he could come up with was to fly to London and try to topple over Stonehenge. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, he went to London and somehow got a University named after him, yadda yadda yadda, the end.


Conclusion
So I hope this thoroughly researched and very extensive history of rap will allow you to overlook my absence from blogging over the past few weeks. I hope that you all learned something by reading this. And remember, the next time you see someone trying to rap or trying to act cool like a rapper, just remember their background and take pride in the fact that, if given the chance, you could get a higher grade in English than they could. Plus, their ASS is probably bigger than yours too.

Yo, Lemme Break it Down For Y'all

During a lapse in my normally sound judgment, I found myself watching a show at 12:30 AM a few nights ago called Dance 360°, wherein participants drawn "at random" from the crowd are put in the middle of a "dance circle" and are told to "dance" to some "music" being "played" at a DJ table.

I ended up watching probably a grand total of 20 minutes of it before I couldn't possibly stand it any longer. From those particularly grueling 20 minutes, I have learned a few things about not just the show, but about what our culture has degenerated into lately.

Apparently, in order to get on the show, you have to meet the following requirements:

1. You must be egotistical, self-centered, loud, obnoxious, and you must have a firm grasp on all of the current cool slang words and phrases. Actual skill or talent in the art of dancing is not required.
2. When one of the hosts invites you to come dance, you must act tough and cocky in order to convince everyone that you really have no fear of breaking your 10 o' clock curfew and losing your TV privileges for a week.
3. When you introduce yourself, you must:

• Say what your name is (not the name you were born with, but a name that says that you are cool, like T-Bone or X-Ray or PB n' J or Tidycat or Alpo or Meow Mix)
• Don't just tell people where you are from. Tell them where you are "representing" from. I guess the reasoning behind this is that anyone who comes on this show probably doesn't possess the cerebral fortitude to find the address to the House of Representatives in the phone book, so it's not like they will ever actually represent something worthwhile in their lifetime.
• Talk in incomplete sentences using improper grammar, slang, double negatives (triple negatives earn big bonus points), and slur your words together - it's cool to slur your words together because it makes people think that you use drugs, and all of your favorite celebrities do drugs (Martha Stewart, Britney Spears, Bugs Bunny, Frankenstein, Homer Simpson, and that annoying "Get Smart" kid in the Smart and Final commercials), so it must be cool.

Example:

Host: "Yo wassup homie G dawg masta funk, whatcha name n' whereya representin?"
Audience Member: Yo, mah name's P-Dripple and I represent da Wet Side Slacks."
Host: "Yo man, I ain't sure I didn't hear you wrong. Ya mean da West Side Slacks?"
Audience Member: "Y'all didn't not not hear me wrong. Oh yeeeah, I be bustin da triple negatives."

Now that you are on the dance floor, it's time for you to show everyone your moves.

Dancing has drastically changed over the last decade or so. Nowadays, as long as there is music playing (or a reasonable facsimile thereof), pretty much any rapid movement of the body is classified as dancing, as infantile as it may seem.

Such moves as the "Spin on your head until you puke" and the "Flail your arms around like you're having a seizure" are gaining in popularity, along with the obligatory "Twirl around on your hands while spinning your legs in the air and kicking nearby people in the mouth" which seems to be a staple in the world of "break" (Gee, I wonder where they got the name?) dancing.

And the whole point of the show is to gain audience approval, and you advance in the rounds depending on how loud the crowd cheers for you. And the winner receives some joke prize like a piece of string or an Xbox or some equally dull and uninspired gift. So there really is no point to it at all, other than being able to make up an amazingly cool persona for yourself like P-Dripple of the Wet Side Slacks. REPRESENT!!