Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The Comprehensive, Unequaled, and 100% Accurate History of Rap

After making my last post about that horrid Dance 360° show, I decided to take time out of my busy (hahahaha) life to do some research on the actual history of rap. And, unlike rap itself, the history of rap is quite entertaining and interesting. Please note that all of the information presented in this blog was tirelessly researched entirely by me and is 100% historically accurate, with a 1% margin of error, and only 85% of the statistics and facts were made up on the spot by me or the rubber chicken sitting on my desk.

The Early Beginnings of Rap
Many people do not know this, but from my very extensive research, I have found out that rap actually originated during the stone age. The exact date and time is unknown, but archaeologists have uncovered ancient cave writings which were written by a mysterious caveman who referred to himself as "Blog". For those of you who are loyal visitors to my blog, you will already know one of Blog's previous adventures (Scroll down to the last post, but feel free to read Mucus Man and my Modest Proposal on your trip down memory lane).

Anyway, Blog is the ancestor of all modern rappers, wannabe rappers who don't have the necessary skill involved to rap (i.e. forming a semi-coherent sentence, having basic motor skills, maintaining bladder control while speaking, etc...) but who still live the lifestyle, and little kids who try to hide their low self-esteem by acting tough, even though their mommies would wash their mouths out with soap if they ever cared enough to supervise them.

If you think about it, it makes sense that all modern rappers are descendants of Blog. After all, cavemen don't sound too particularly bright when they talk, and when you listen to what most rappers say nowadays, it usually consists of a main course of unintelligible dribble with a generous side dish of gratutitous swearing and a big slice of chocolate hate cake.

Getting back to the history of rap, those ancient cave writings that Blog scratched on the wall of his "cave sweet cave" were actually the world's first rap. Amazingly, it was very similar to the type of rap you listen to today. The main reason for that is because cavemen did not have a firm grasp on any language, not even their native tongue, Blogenese, which, conveniently enough, is exactly the same as English. And it's quite obvious to anyone who has heard more than a few seconds of a rap song today that no rapper has gotten higher than a "D" in any of their English classes. Though I'm sure they all did very well in P.E. (Prison Education). I'll bet they earned their stripes in that class.

So without further ado, here is the world's very first rap, written by Blog the Caveman.

"Blog go out of cave
Get hit by big wave
From where the water come?
Blog don't know, he be dumb

Blog go hunting for his dinner
So he doesn't get much thinner
He meet dino with jaws of steel
Make him slip via banana peel

Big bad dino fall down on its head
Should have killed something smaller instead
The dino fell and broke Blog's wheel
Now Blog's face is turning quite teal

You can imagine just how much Blog hurt
Like when he got mud all over the dirt
But he no need a wheel to travel
Just stay home and let life unravel

After all, Blog live in the Stone Age
No reason to even go outside his cave
Unless dino's brother find out what happened
And he come and make poor Blog all flattened"

Rap Throughout American History
Some well known figures in American history, I was shocked to discover, were also descendents of Blog the Caveman. That's right, even the founding fathers themselves were rappers. You know those powdered wigs they all wore? They just wore them because it made them look distinguished and smart. In reality, all they really did was they used the constitutional conventions as an excuse to get away from their families and get drunk. No one would ever have suspected them of doing that when they looked so dignified and professional in their powdered wigs. Also, it's not a very well known fact, but just before the U.S. Constitution was ratified, Thomas Jefferson freestyled the entire document in front of all the delegates:

Jefferson: Yo wiggas, this is how it'z all gonna slide. We da people be representin da United States ya'll. We be formin a more perfect union, establishin justice up in here, insurin domestic tranquilizzidy, and some other stuff I forgot. Oh yeah, drinkin beer too!!! Yeah yeah! T-Jeff is in da HOUZZ!!!

Rap in the Present Day
Somehow, this nation has persevered to where it is today. How? I haven't the slightest clue, but I know it's taken a whole lot of drinking to attain our current greatness. And that legacy still lives on to this very day. It is proven by our places of higher learning, or skools, for any rappers reading.

Take, for instance, the notorious party schools of our time. Schools that students yearn to go to not for their brilliant teachers or beneficial learning environments, but for their ever-important Alcoholics to Sober Students ratio, or the ASS ratio.

This critical ratio is carefully researched every year to determine which schools contain students who are more likely to become intoxicated on a regular basis, and who are willing to share that method of intoxication with others.

Per my research, I have discovered that there are many schools that have particularly large ASS ratings. One of these schools surprised me very much when I saw its huge, fat, pimply ASS rating - Oxford University. Yes, that's right. Oxford University, supposedly one of the most prestigious schools in the entire world and most of Canada, was actually founded by a drunkard! See what good a little research can do?

Oxford University was founded by Ox Ford, the younger, dumber, and fatter brother of Henry Ford. Ox was perpetually jealous of his older brother because of his success and fame, so he decided that he would do something with his life. Since he was a heavy drinker, the best thing he could come up with was to fly to London and try to topple over Stonehenge. Anyway, to make a long story even longer, he went to London and somehow got a University named after him, yadda yadda yadda, the end.

So I hope this thoroughly researched and very extensive history of rap will allow you to overlook my absence from blogging over the past few weeks. I hope that you all learned something by reading this. And remember, the next time you see someone trying to rap or trying to act cool like a rapper, just remember their background and take pride in the fact that, if given the chance, you could get a higher grade in English than they could. Plus, their ASS is probably bigger than yours too.

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