Saturday, October 30, 2004

Good Ol' California

Well, Summer is over, Fall is here, and Winter is just around the corner. This means the start of the dreaded California Rainy Season. For those of you who are unfamiliar with California's weather, it does not rain very often here, and when it does, it usually means that I don't have to wash my car for another couple of weeks.

California's rainy season really isn't much of anything compared to the states that frequently experience hurricanes and tornados and blizzards and giant tarantula attacks. Ah, the things we miss out on by having our infernally temperate weather. All we get are the occasional wimpy earthquakes that don't even wake me up from my sleep at night. We're getting jipped!

But I think it's funny how the news media likes to try and inspire fear in us whenever they get the chance. For instance, it rained a couple weeks ago for the first time in several months, and it dropped a couple inches of rain, yet all the local news channels had breaking news stories about the "torrential downpour". And they all had unique ways of describing their ongoing coverage of the storm, like Storm Track, Weather Watch, Storm Watch, Weather Track, and other equally original ideas.

And then they would describe the storm as being extremely powerful and dangerous and capable of killing small children and the elderly in one swift blow. They would also give the storm names that classified it as dangerous, such as Death Torrent, Class 5 Kill Storm, Deluge of Destruction, Savage Showers, and things like that. Because they know perfectly well that an inch or two of rain isn't newsworthy, they have to Hollywoodize it and make it into a big deal. Meanwhile, every other state is laughing at us for being such pansies because we can't stand a little bit of rain.

It reminds me of a joke my Poli Sci teacher likes to tell. "One day God shook the Earth on its side, and all the fruits and nuts ended up in California." I guess that would explain the reasoning behind why I keep seeing so many commercials on TV as of late about these male-enhancing drugs on the market now. Drugs like Cialis and Viagra where on the commercial it shows this happy couple enjoying life together without a care in the world as a direct result of the man taking a pill. And then it goes on to list the side effects, including nausea, diarrhea, permarections, stroke, paralysis, Spastic Spleen Syndrome, oily discharge, and other lovely benefits.

Isn't anyone content with being who they are anymore? Why are we always bombarded by this constant striving to be the "perfect" person? We have shows like The Swan where women get complete plastic surgery makeovers because they just can't stand the way they look anymore. Oh cry me a frickin river. Maybe they shouldn't compare themselves to the standards of actors in Hollywood where you aren't beautiful until you have at least 5 pounds of silicon in your body somewhere. Maybe if they actually put some effort into staying fit and healthy, they wouldn't think so poorly of themselves later on in life.

Sometimes I wish I didn't live so close to Hollywood so I wouldn't be so directly affected by the mentality it tries to teach people, especially women. The Hollywood mentality basically tells girls and women that they should:

  • Have the skinniest body with the least amount of fat regardless of how much you have to starve yourself to make it happen. And don't worry. If it gets too out of control and your butt and boobs get too flat, our good friend silicon will come to the rescue yet again.
  • Wear as much makeup as possible to cover up any visible imperfections that may surface on your face. By all means don't let anyone get the idea that you are any less than perfect in any way. Cover every zit, wrinkle, and freckle up, because movie stars never have any visible imperfections, and your main goal is to strive to be like them in every way. Girls, don't be stingy with the lipstick and lip gloss. The more that gets on your glass when you drink, the cooler you are. It's not unattractive! No, not at all! Wearing lipstick doesn't make you look like a clown! Heavens no! Oh, and don't forget. You are in direct competition with every other girl on the face of the planet. If you ever see a girl who you think is prettier than you, imitate her in every way possible.
  • Dress in revealing clothing, and flaunt yourself around wherever you go, because no guy will ever be interested in you if you don't. Always wear perfume to cover up your body scent, because no guy will want to know what you smell like normally.
  • Never settle for someone who isn't the best looking guy in the world. So what if he lacks a personality, is an egotistical jerk, has nothing in common with you, and treats you like garbage? At least he's cute. And if worse comes to worse, restraining orders and divorces are becoming even easier to get nowadays. So don't worry about a thing.
  • Remember that when you finally hook Mister Right, always tell him what he wants to hear. Lie to make him happy. Never tell him the truth if it endangers your relationship. Hide secrets from him when you don't know how he'll react to them. If he asks you about something you don't feel like sharing, avoid the question at all costs and change the subject, or pretend you didn't hear him. Honesty and openness in a relationship is a recipe for a break-up.

Gee, it's a wonder that so many marriages end in divorce. This whole charade couldn't have anything to do with it could it? You marry someone thinking you know who they are, and all of a sudden that person decides to stop pretending, and you see who they really are.

The moral of the story? Be happy with who you are, no matter what...To conform is to fail to be yourself...Honesty is the best policy...An open book will be read and understood while a closed book remains shrouded in mystery and suspicion. Maybe I should change my blog from Sean's Random Humor to Sean's Random Humor n' Wisdom. Or maybe I should continue the adventures of the poo-flinging monkey. Eh, either way.

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