Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Turn-by-Turn Innovation

These days, it seems like every car company is trying to outdo itself and others in the following aspects: safety, reliability, incredibly ugly designs, and obnoxiously conceited commercials...

*cue 30 second spot*
*dim lights*

The commercial opens with artistic shots of a sleek black luxury car gliding along twists and turns in a far-away exotic mountainous region (Chino Hills), while a deep-voiced narrator reads the following:

"Have you ever wanted to become one with the road? Have you ever dreamed of being so attached to your car that it becomes one with you? Have you ever desired to feel the wind beat ripples into the supple fabric of your Armani threads as you soar along the highway, your cares and worries flying from your brow like the beads of sweat on the brows of your subordinates? Well. This is the car for you. Lexus: If you don't already know how good we are, you don't have enough money to buy one."

But somehow, lost amongst the hustle and bustle of innovation, bailouts, and takeovers, oh my, something basic has been forsaken and thrown along the wayside like so many Justin Bieber CDs.

The turn signal.

You may be unaware that the turn signal has been around since the stone age, on the earliest model of the Volkswheel sedentary vehicle. Its purpose was just as it is today: to alert one's intention to turn, as well as to specify which direction. Of course, back then there wasn't much traffic, so it basically only alerted the saber-toothed tigers to let them know which way the food was going.

Now, nearly hundreds of years later, virtually nothing has changed! The turn signal still only lets the person or carnivorous feline near you know that you are either turning left or right; however, in a brilliant evolutionary breakthrough, if you are in an emergency situation, you now have the option to press a special red button that makes both signals blink simultaneously, allowing free reign to do whatever insane maneuvering you want in the name of "emergency".

This sort of innovation is something that has been lacking for the turn signal and its constituents (Light Bulbs Local 863). There is obviously an untapped amount of potential to modify the standard turn signal.

For instance, why is there not a special variation for U-Turns? How many accidents have been caused from some person slowing down to one mile per hour to make an unwieldy 180 that would barely miss the curb on the opposite side, only to be slammed from behind by someone paying less than adequate attention (and in this person's defense, probably not expecting someone to slow down to near-stopping in the left-hand turn lane)?

By my expert analysis and research, a lot. Quite a lot, even. I would quote my sources, but I don't want to bother making them up.

Why not have a setting on the turn signal bar that puts the blinking to half speed or even slower, alerting the driver behind to be prepared to slam on his brakes when all instincts are telling him "that green arrow isn't going to last long, GUN IT!"

And how about a special setting for when you want to merge across two or more lanes of traffic, but you've got some Big Money Wielder (BMW) who sees it as an attack on his masculinity for anyone to merge into HIS lane, and his raging alpha male hormones will make him do everything in his horsepower to keep you from merging, even though you are just passing through into the next lane and possibly beyond.

You know the kind of person I'm talking about. You can picture him now, white-knuckling his leather-caressed wheel, shoulders peaked in tension as a terrifying thought grips him about how there is money in the world that doesn't yet belong to him, top shirt button unbuttoned to keep it from popping off into space as his bulging neck muscles resemble a swollen bunch of celery, shirt sleeves rolled up to just below the elbow so they don't get in the way of his driving gloves. Yeah, that guy. The guy whose motto is "Time is money, so get the $@&!% out of my lane!"

Finally, there should be a setting installed that detects when a turn signal has been on for more than 30 seconds, and automatically changes the shape of the regular intermittent flashes into intermittent flashing question marks, signifying an "eventual left or right turn", which is a legal maneuver for anyone over the age of 65 and means that they might make a turn between now and the second Thursday of next week. So be prepared!

Of course, all this is probably unnecessary, since no one uses their turn signals in the first place, so to expect them to learn new variations and put them to use is as improbable as expecting people to finish their blog pos

No comments: