CSU Schools Scam Their Students

Catchy headline, isn't it?

I have absolutely no sympathy anymore for educational activists, politicians, and college teachers who whine about how crappy their schools are and how the government is hindering sufficient funding. All the liberal loudmouths and the students and voters they infect with the mindset that the conservative government is neglecting education are supporting a blatant lie fabricated to mislead the impressionable masses who blindly accept what they are told is correct by these biased and uninformed sources.

If CSU schools are indeed suffering, it is because of poor financial management and spending within the school, not because of a lack of funding.

For those of you who do not know, I am currently attending CSULB, and majoring in English: Creative Writing. And I just sold my books back today. These books, which originally cost me more than $300, were only able to be exchanged for a comparatively meager $53 when sold back to the campus bookstore.

$53 for over $300 worth of books. That's 1/6 of what I paid. Three particularly underbid books were ones which I had bought for the same class, which is going to be identically offered by the same instructor again at CSULB next semester. One book, which originally cost $25, was bought back for $1. Another, which was originally $50, was bought back for $2. Yet another, originally costing $70, was bought back for $4. Seems fair, right?

And what's the lame excuse the guy gave me for offering such a low price? When I asked, he said that basically no one else in the country is using these books except for my professor at this school.

A problem I see with this excuse:

Why would the price go down if the only people using them are the ones taking this specific teacher's class at CSULB? The price wasn't $1 when I bought it, so obviously they aren't having any trouble selling them. Why not be honest and just tell me what they're really going to do? They're going to sell them back at this same bookstore next semester, for an approximate 2500% profit on each book, to each new student taking the exact same class with the exact same teacher.

Now, let's speculate about this.

There are approximately 33,500 students attending CSULB. Each student needs books. How many books depends on the number of classes being taken and how many books are required in each class. From what I understand, $300 is a pretty standard if not moderate cost for textbooks in a typical semester. So let's just assume that each student is going to pay approximately $300 in books, as some students will pay less, and some students will pay more.

Let's do some math.

(And again, this is purely speculative, as there are factors which will affect these numbers, such as those who buy and sell their books via a third party like an off-campus bookstore or from other students. So this serves to show how staggering of a profit college campuses can make through textbook and other sales.)

33,500 students x $300 in books = $10,050,000. 10 million dollars in textbooks each semester.

1/6 of $10,050,000 = $1,675,000. $1,675,000 dollars being given back to the students in exchange for their books.

$10,050,000 - $1,675,000 = $8,375,000. $8,375,000 dollars being earned by the school each semester by selling books at high prices and buying them back at cheap prices.

Of course, this number varies as some people get more than 1/6 of their money back. And then again, the school won't even buy back some books, so who knows what the exact amount is.


Now, we cannot possibly forget other such exorbitant fees being charged to students who attend CSU schools, such as tuition and parking. Tuition at CSULB costs each full-time student $1,432 dollars, and a parking pass costs about $95.

Not everyone drives to school, so for our analysis, I'll be conservative and say that 1/2 of the students will buy a parking pass.

16,750 students x $95 = $1,591,250. That's not including those students who use the metered parking and who buy day parking passes.

Now, for the big money.

33,500 full-time students x $1,432 dollars = $47,972,000.

Of course, this is not totally correct because not everyone is a full time student. Part-timers pay $904 per semester in tuition. So let's say 1/4 of the students are part-time, which would yield 7,571,000 for those students, leaving the 3/4 of the full-timers (25,125 students) remaining to pay $35,979,000.

And what about those in more expensive graduate programs, and those living on campus? Even more revenue for the school. But I won't even speculate on those.

So according to my very crude and very incomplete calculations, CSULB makes around $40 million dollars each semester from tuition alone. Add the $1.5 million from parking, and the $8 million from book profits, they get around $50 million dollars every semester to throw around.

Don't even tell me CSU schools are poor and need funding. It's simply not true. Not with the prices they charge. And especially not with the current wages being paid to teachers. So where is all that money going, anyway?

Do Not Read This Blog On Your Computer. It May Cause Explosions.

I recently bought a new phone a little more than a month ago, when I switched from Verizon to Cingular.

Now, as you look at this phone, you'll probably notice that it seems pretty normal and harmless right? Wrong! If you happen to read the novel which is the instruction manual, you'll quickly find out this innocent-looking phone could very easily qualify as the most intricate, complicated, high-maintenance, and potentially dangerous object in your entire house, and quite possibly the entire world. And yes, I'm holding it up to my ear, pressed against my head, every single day. Yippee.

What makes this phone such a fright you ask? Well, allow me to quote numerous safety guidelines taken directly from the LG C2000 User Guide, and you can make your own decision on whether or not my life is in immediate danger by owning this phone, or if the technical writer(s) who wrote this booklet were being overly melodramatic.


Safety Instructions

• Never store your phone in settings that may expose it to temperatures less than 32°F or greater than 104°F. Exposure to excessive cold or heat will result in malfunction, damage and/or catastrophic failure.

Catastrophic failure? As if malfunctioning and damage wasn't enough? Now you have to subject my fears to the possibility of such an intimidating and vague term like a catastrophic failure? I associate a word like catastrophic to something like the engine of a plane exploding or all four stomachs of a cow ceasing to function...not my cell phone failing to work. "My phone doesn't work! Help! The world is coming to an end!"

• Be careful when using your phone near other electronic devices. Never place your phone in a microwave oven as this will cause the battery to explode.

Explode? Explode?!? First of all, who in their right mind would ever put their cell phone in a microwave in the first place? And is this such a common problem that it is necessary to include in the user guide? Do people often confuse their TV dinners or Tupperware products with their cell phones because they look so similar? Maybe some distracted person might put the phone down to warm up a leftover meal and in his ineptitude place the phone in the microwave while sticking last night's pasta in his ear, prompting a completely different canelloni-related (or should I say Canaloni?) problem aside from the recently exploded cell phone in his microwave.

• Never place your phone in a microwave oven as it will cause the battery to explode.

What, again? Is it really necessary to tell people this twice? I think we get the point by now. Microwaves + Cell Phones = Things Go Boom.

• Do not dispose of your battery by fire or with hazardous or flammable materials.

Oh wonderful. Not only will it explode, or so I'm guessing as that seems to be the common theme so far, but this means I can't make my famous battery acid, gasoline, and dry brush bonfires anymore. I don't think the people who wrote this book ever have any fun.

• Make sure that no sharp-edged items such as animal's teeth, nails, come into contact with the battery. There is a risk of this causing a fire.

Fire? From biting and scratching? Hmm, sounds like an obvious case of severe animal-related explosion fires to me. Possibly quite catastrophic.

• Store the battery in a place out of reach of children.

Wait. So I have to disassemble the phone and store the battery separately from it in a child-proof, and more importantly, explosion-proof place? That's practical.

• Be careful that children do not swallow any parts such as rubber plugs (earphone, connection parts of the phone, etc.) This could cause asphyxiation or suffocation.

(Or explosion.)

• In a car, do not leave your phone or set up the hands-free kit near to the air bag. If wireless equipment is improperly installed and the air bag is activated, you may be seriously injured.

Yeah, the one thing that actually can potentially blow up: the air bag. Yet ironically, it only gets two measly sentences of mentioning, though its chance of "exploding" and deploying is infinitely greater than any of these other ridiculous situations.

• Do not use a hand-held phone while driving.

No cell phone while driving? Yeah, that could happen. Shya, and exploding cell phone batteries might fly out of my butt.

• Do not use the phone in areas where its use is prohibited.

Duh?

• Never store your phone in temperatures less than -4°F or greater than 122°F.

Yet, as previously mentioned, I thought the acceptable range was 32°F to 104°F. But I doubt this is really a problem, unless you're either an Eskimo or an extremely sociable sand dune.

• Do not use harsh chemicals (such as alcohol) or detergents to clean your phone. There is a risk of this causing a fire.

You're supposed to clean your phone? I guess this just means that if you actually want to clean it some day, you can't ask Jack Daniels to help you.

• Do not use your phone in high explosive areas as the phone may generate sparks.

In other words, no using your phone in your local TNT factory or land mine emporium.

• Do not disassemble the phone.

I guess if we can't be trusted not to stick our phones in the microwave or clean them with a six-pack, then this disclaimer really is necessary because we obviously can't be trusted to resist the urge to take them apart and see how the infernal devices work...because heaven knows if we can't tell the difference between a plate of food and a phone, we'll never rebuild it into any semblance of what it used to look like without somehow blowing ourselves up in the process.

• Only use the batteries, antennas, and chargers provided by LG.

Translation: We want more money.

• Only authorized personnel should service the phone and its accessories. Faulty installation or service may result in accidents...

...Yeah, accidents. I.E. Explosions.

• Do not hold or let the antenna come in contact with your body during a call.

Why? Will I explode?!?

• An emergency call can be made only within a service area. For an emergency call, make sure that you are within a service area and that the phone is turned on.

I give up. If anyone is so utterly ignorant to the fact that your phone has to be on in order to make a call, no user guide on the face of this earth is going to save them now. And you have to be in a service area? You mean there has to be a signal too? My goodness, how complicated these devices are!

• Using a damaged battery or placing a battery in your mouth may cause serious injury.

NO KIDDING!!!!!!!!

And then, last but not least, there's my personal favorite:

• Do not paint your phone.

Do people actually do this? "My phone is boring. I think I'll paint it red and give it racing stripes so it'll go faster! I...hey, why can't I open my phone?"


So basically, what I've learned from all this is:

You can't do anything right as the owner of a cell phone. Anything you do can and will cause your phone to spark, spontaneously burst into flames, and explode without warning...several times over.

Ah, the joys of technology.

If technology had a motto, it would be: "Live longer. Die faster."

The BIG Change

The time has come. My days at Taco Bell are coming to a close. Just tonight, I told my manager, Thaddus, that I was quitting, and he was very supportive and said that he would miss having me around.

Why am I quitting, you ask? Taco Insurrection? Bad Gas? Finally had your fill of stupid people?

Not yet. Often. Yes.

Actually, the main reason I am quitting Taco Bell is because I have been offered a job at Home Depot. It pays $8.75 an hour to start, goes up to $9.25 an hour after 90 days, while at the same time, my benefits will kick in. My benefits include full life, dental, medical, animal, vegetable, mineral, not to mention lots of others which I probably will never need. However, the most significant is something called "Tuition Reimbursement". Basically, Home Depot will pay for 50% of my school tuition/fees/books as long as I am working for them and going to school and am in a major which can potentially help my job skills. And, as an English major, I qualify because it is such a broad and versatile major that covers so many different aspects of learning.

So it all seems very exciting. I have to wait for my background check to be finished before I can start training. Also, I had to go take a drug test today, which was interesting. For those of you who haven't taken a drug test before, what it basically consists of is you going into a medical facility, them handing you a plastic cup, and you going into the bathroom and attempting to pee into the seemingly undersized and uncomfortably thin layered cup. It is a very uncomfortable and unnatural situation, because essentially, you no longer have a large porcelain bowl to pee into. Instead, it is replaced with a plastic "toilet" which has seemingly shrunk to minuscule size.

So I go to the pee place, fill out a small form unrelated to pee, and sit down and wait in the lobby. Eventually, an Asian man calls me in. He has me sign something not dissimilar to a specimen-permission-slip, basically allowing them to take my urine on a field trip to see the Space Needle in Peattle, Washington, or possibly to see the capital in Washington P.C.

He then hands me the proverbial cup, and directs my attention to the side of the cup where there are increments in milliliters, and instructs me to fill the cup to the 50 ML line. He says that I can fill it more if I want, but that it needs to be at least 50 ML. I look at the side of the cup, and determine how much of the cup I'd need to fill in order to get 50 ML of urine. The line looks to only be about an 1/8 of the way up the cup.

So I proceed to the bathroom with a purpose in mind: To pee into this cup to the best of my masculine ability.

As I enter the bathroom and lock the door, my self-confidence flies out the window. All of a sudden, my head begins to be filled with question after question of things that could go wrong.

Do I set it down? Do I pee directly into the cup while holding it? Will it splash? What if the stream is so powerful that it knocks the cup out of my hands and it gets all over? What if I pee on my hand? What if I get the sudden urge to pee really badly and I fill the cup up so much that it begins to spill over the edge? What if I drop it on the way back? What if...what if I get thirsty...?

And these questions were coming from someone who many years ago as a lovable yet ignorant child had to do a urine test for some reason or another. I remember back then thinking that peeing into the tiny cup was ridiculous, so I thought of another method. Basically, I ended up peeing into the toilet and scooping out the urine from the toilet into the cup, thinking that I was doing it the correct way. Needless to say, I got the results back as being heavily diluted. So I knew that today, I was going to have to conquer my fears and pee directly into the cup.

It is a very humbling feeling to know that you are holding a cup filled with your urine and the only thing separating it from you is a mere thin layer of plastic.

It didn't take me long to realize that it wouldn't be hard to get the required 50 ML of urine. So I did what any guy would do: Fill it up as far as I could. Most guys are not overachievers in anything. However, all guys are overachievers at peeing. (Case In Point: I used to sleep over at my friend David's house when I was younger, and every day when I'd wake up, I'd go to the bathroom and pee for the better part of the morning. And every time, David would be amazed at my endurance and thought it was so cool that I could pee for longer than he could). Anyway, if a guy is asked to pee in a container that holds 16 ounces, yet he is only required to provide 1 ounce, your typical guy sees it as a challenge to fill up all 16 ounces. Most likely he won't fill it all the way, but as long as he surpasses the measly requirement, he can rest easy at night knowing that he has surpassed the requirements necessary to maintain his manhood. Either that, or guys are just afraid to try and make the difficult transfer in midstream back to the toilet. Guys can't aim. Ask any guy. He'll tell you. And for that reason, I was frightened to trust myself to pee in this little cup and ONLY in this little cup.

However, all turned out well. I managed to return back to the Asian man without falling and/or spilling. I greeted him with a big overachieving smile on my face as if expecting a friendly male congratulation, like, "Hey, nice effort", or "It's so warm!" He took it from me rather nonchalantly, and told me that he was going to pour it into a vial and seal it in front of me, I guess to ensure that he wasn't going to swap it with his own pee or something...or to prove that he really wasn't as thirsty as he looked. Once he finished that, he told me that the test would be completed in 2-3 days, and then he bid me adieu.

So I walked back to my car, thinking about how much of a goof I must have looked like earlier, carrying a cup of my own pee around. In retrospect, it would have been funny to try and offer a complimentary glass of warm lemonade to unsuspecting people in the lobby area.

So yeah, I made P-Dripple proud today. I peed in a cup successfully, without turning my shorts into Wet Side Slacks.

Essay? What Essay?

Yeah, so, as always, I leave things to the last minute.

I've known I had a 3 page essay due today (It's past 1 AM right now, Thursday morning) for several days now.

So I figured I had better take a look at the prompt and get around to writing it pretty soon, seeing as how it's due in 10 hours, and I'll need to sleep for at least 6 of those hours, and spend a few more of those hours driving and vainly attempting to find a parking spot in the "parking" (And I use the term loosely) lot at CSULB.

So lo and behold, I crank out a three-page essay which takes me a grand total of about 30 minutes. This is surprising for me at least because I had no idea what I was supposed to write about until I looked up the prompt online, and I even spent some of that time looking up quotes for a movie we had to write about. (The movie is entitled, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum", which is a hilarious movie made in 1966, which also happens to be quite sexual and dirty, unfortuntately. But besides that fact, the dialogue and characters are brilliant and it was a lot of fun.) The essay was about how the movie and also a play which I mentioned in my last blog, "The Braggart Soldier", are self-referential, among other things. I dunno, I wrote it in 30 minutes, I didn't have a lot of time to memorize the prompt.

Yeah, so being an English major at CSULB rocks, as long as you a) get there before the cars in the parking lot are so tightly packed together that they are stacked on top of each other, and b) you don't get stuck in traffic.

Today, a drive to school that normally takes about 25 minutes took 55 minutes because there was a completely isolated accident in the carpool lane on the northbound 405 freeway, the side I was on. Not only was our traffic stop-and-go, but the other southbound lane was slowing down and becoming bumper-to-bumper, even though the accident wasn't even on their side! So basically, thanks to everyone killing their cats, traffic was completely slowed down so these curious *coughnosycough* people could absentmindedly gawk at an accident that didn't appear to be more than a fender bender.

And of course, as soon as I passed the accident, traffic speed went from 15 MPH-30 MPH to 65+ MPH. It's amazing what idiotic gawking can do to a perfectly good freeway.

Reminds me of people who don't have the multi-tasking skills necessary to drive and maintain their speed and stay at or slightly above the speed limit while yakking on their cell phones about who cares what. I honestly don't understand how some people cannot have the basic foot-mouth coordination necessary to keep their lead foot pressed on the gas while at the same time talk about how Aunt Sally's cookies don't taste as good since she moved next to the pet cemetery. I don't care. Seriously. Are they so caught up in listening to their own voice that all other bodily tasks cease to function? I really don't get it. If you can't handle talking and driving at the same time, if idle chatter takes up such a substantial portion of your mind that you can't pay attention to what is going on around you, do us all a favor and either hang up your phone and throw it out the window or sell your car and burn your license.

Yeah, I'm tired and I spent too much time on the road today. I'm going to bed. More sarcastic blogs on the way...

Books, Books, and More Books!

I promised myself I'd do this "book meme" thing that Aaron (Wow! You've been mentioned in two straight blogs! Aren't you proud? Aren't you??? Goochie goochie goo! Who's the big boy? Who's the big boy?!?!? Youuuu areeeee! Wheeeeeeeee!) "infected" me with about thirteen years ago. So who's ready? Memememememe!



1. Total Number of Books I've Owned:
Hmm, including school textbooks I've saved and the books I had as a child (Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, and Hardy Boys books anyone?), probably about 125-150, give or take a bunch or two.


2. Last Book I Bought:
The last book I bought for personal reading was Small Gods by Terry Pratchett, which I will talk more about later. Technically, the last book I bought was for school though, and I bought a few: Plautus' Four Comedies, Machiavelli's Mandragola, and Emile Habiby's The Secret Life of Saeed.

I read "The Braggart Soldier" by Plautus, which is a play, and it was pretty humorous and witty, which surprised me as Plautus lived from 254-184 BC. I guess I just expected that people who lived that long ago didn't have senses of humor or something, because when I found myself laughing at this play, I was almost caught off guard. Of course, it is translated for a modern audience, but I was impressed at how well it adapts to a modern audience.

I haven't finished "Mandragola" yet, but I'm about halfway through it. So far, my conclusion is that even though I'm sure Machiavelli was an outstanding thinker in his time, this play just proves the fact that just because you're well learned doesn't mean you're inherently funny too. The dialogue and overall setup of the whole thing is so pretentious I can hardly keep myself from skimming through it half-heartedly. It just seems to be following the common cliche of that time involving a treacherous love story with plenty of conniving, back-stabbing, lying, and cheating. Hey, that's what "The Braggart Soldier" was about too, but at least Plautus has some wit and sarcasm in his bitingly fast-paced humor, unlike the slow crawl that is "Mandragola". But hey, I've still got 20 pages left, there's still hope. Right? RIGHT!?!?!

3. Last Book I Read:
For Fun: Small Gods. To be honest, the reason I didn't do this blog topic when I was first "infected" with it was because the last book I had read at that time was A Passage to India by E.M. Forster, and I had just written an essay about it and I didn't really like the book all that much, so I didn't feel like putting it down as being the last book I had read. I wanted to be able to mention a book that I could be proud to proclaim as being the last book I have read. And this book, my friends, is worth all the praise worthy of being called the last book I have read. For fun, that is...

For School: Heart of Darkness. I read this book once before, in my last semester at OCC. We had about a month to read it, so I happily took just about the whole month to plow through it, reading a few pages a day. That's probably why I wasn't too fond of it, because I didn't really give myself a chance to get into it. So this time, I read it in two days, and I enjoyed it much more since I knew what to expect this time and I was looking forward to getting to some of my favorite parts. Plus, my teacher only gave us a week to read it and I left it to the last two days.

Procrastination is an amazing motivator.

4. Five Books That Mean a Lot to Me:

(In no particular order)

a) Small Gods by Terry Pratchett - Finally, I get to talk about this book. First, some background:

I had recently finished reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, which was, at that time, probably one of the funniest novels I've ever read. I wasn't really looking to get a new book at the time, but Erica and I went to a Barnes and Noble anyway. As we stepped in, I remember just letting the book store floor plan do with me what it would, and it took me straight to the science fiction section. Looking for nothing in particular, I was looking at various titles of books, seeing if anything struck my interest. After about 5 seconds, I saw a picture of a turtle on the spine of a book. My reptilian instincts kicked in, and I was immediately drawn to it. I picked it out, and looked at it. It boasted a picture of a smirking turtle with a black eyepatch over one eye, and it was entitled, Small Gods.

As you can see from my previous blog, I will buy anything with a turtle on it. If someone manufactured a Scratch N' Sniff that smelled like week old underwear, marinated in sewage-covered roadkill droppings, but there was a picture of a turtle on it, I'd buy it in a second.

Back to the story. At this time, I had no idea who Terry Pratchett was. I had no idea he was a British writer similar to Douglas Adams, with quite a reputation and an entire ever-growing series of books. So the turtle intrigued me. Now it was time for the book to win me over with its content. As we walked through the store, I read the first few pages, laughing out loud more than once, reading select parts to Erica to gauge her reaction to make sure it wasn't just me being partial to its humor due to the fact that there was a turtle on the cover. And sure enough, she laughed too. I think she sensed that if she didn't put in a good laugh for the book, we'd be there all day trying to decide if I should get it or not. So I decided to take a chance and buy it, and let me tell you...best $7 I've ever spent.

I really can't do this book justice with a short and/or concise plot summary, because I'd be leaving so much out. Lets just say that I've never laughed so much or so hard at any book in my life, ever. And it's not just funny in certain parts either. It is hilarious throughout the entire book; there's never a dull moment.

My favorite character (of course!) is the turtle, who happens to be the great god Om, who accidentally manifests himself into the form of a turtle, and is then too weak to change himself back into a more prestigious creature to inspire his believers. So he's forced to see the world through the eyes of a turtle for three years, until he meets a young yet rather dense worker who believes in him, and the story expands from there, and I won't go any further into it because it's such a fun story that I wouldn't want to spoil it for any potential readers.

Om is the funniest character in the book. For anyone who has seen the show Family Guy, think of Stewie the baby, take his biting sarcasm and wit, remove his swearing and sexual innuendo, place him into the feeble and slow body of a turtle, and increase his comic capability by about 300%, and you have the great god Om.

I could go on and on about this book, and I hope some of you go and read it, especially if you like/love/appreciate turtles and their behavior and mannerisms, as some of the funniest parts are playing off of the fact that this once-powerful god is now shamefully imprisoned in this pathetically weak turtle's body, and the frustration that emanates from these situations is laugh out loud funny.

I have to say it is one of my top three favorite books, if not my favorite. I'll have to read it another time probably before it can claim that prestigious spot.


b) Sphere by Michael Crichton - I promise the rest of my book explanations won't be that long. I first read Sphere back in middle school I think, probably around 6th grade. I have since read it 5 times, and it has been my favorite book for a long time now. It basically got me starting to read other Michael Crichton books and exploring the fiction/science fiction genres. I like Michael Crichton's other books, and I want to read State of Fear when it comes out in paperback, but Sphere's incredibly fascinating story still stays strong in my memory after all these years.

(By the way, don't ever watch the movie version of Sphere. It is horrible. I fell asleep.)


c) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, by Douglas Adams - These first two books in the Hitchhiker's Guide series opened my eyes to great British authors who can write a fun and interesting story while keeping good-quality humor a constant and ever-present force in the novel. Ever since reading Big Trouble by Dave Barry, I was of the impression that most humorous novels have some funny parts scattered throughout the book, but having something funny on every page, oftentimes more than once a page, just was too much to ask for and didn't happen. And I was disappointed with Dave Barry, as I love his columns and other non-fictional books which are mostly his columns in book version, with some original exceptions, like his famous guides to guys, travel, and so on. But his novel just didn't cut it in the humor department.

Enter Britain. Enter writers such as Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett and I'm sure many others whom I have not heard of yet. Douglas Adams made me realize that humor can happen on every page, and Terry Pratchett accentuated that fact by making me laugh even harder on every page. Yes, the first two Hitchhiker's books are hilarious, but I personally am of the opinion that Small Gods beats them both in terms of overall hilarity. But it's a very close call, mind you.


d) Out of the Silent Planet and Perelandra by C.S. Lewis - Why not the trilogy? That Hideous Strength just took too long to develop for my tastes. After what seemed like 200-300 pages, they're still slowly building up to the climax, which admittedly, is a fun read, but the trip to get there just was too drawn out for me. But the first two books are fictional/fantasy masterpieces, filled with wonder and exploration and action and fun. I really enjoyed reading them, and I'm sure most everyone has read them at one time or another, so a long explanation isn't needed.

e) The Impatient Turtle by Janette Oke - Yeah, so what? I'm obsessed. I admit it. This was one of my favorite books to read when I was a kid, and was probably part of the reason why I love turtles so much now. It's one of the few books from my childhood that I insist on keeping in the house while almost all of my other childhood books are stashed away in the garage. To be honest, I haven't read it all the way through in a while, so I don't remember the story too well, I just have fond memories of it as a child. And turtles rock.


f) Honorable Mention: Dean Koontz, and pretty much any book he's ever written. I've read probably at least 15 of his novels, and I've enjoyed every single one. He's a fantastic storyteller who usually has some kind of a positive moral at the end of his stories, even though some horrific things can happen to his characters along the way. But the reason he isn't up on the list is because it's 2:30 AM and I don't feel like trying to remember which book of his is my favorite, but it didn't feel right to leave him completely out. So here's to you, Mr. Koontz.


5. People I Will Infect With This Meme:
I don't think it's necessary to infect anyone else on purpose at least. If reading this blog inspires someone to do one of their own to try and make theirs longer than mine or something, then go ahead. Be my guest. And be sure to stop by your local bookstore and pick up a copy of Small Gods by Terry Pratchett. The power of Om compels you!

Flippin' Floyd

I am forcing myself to blog. I have lots of other things I could be doing at this moment, but I've decided to spend some time trying to fix my "broken blog" as Aaron so candidly put it. I'm curious to see if I remember how to form a complete sentence without succumbing to the frivolous temptation of slamming my fist down on the keyboard for no particular reason.

jhymnjhymn.

Nope.

And before any of you smart alecks contest the fact that I have, in fact, completed two sentences already before battering my keyboard with a barrage of brutal blows, stop thinking so hard.


Erica and I went to the Greek festival over at St. Paul's yesterday because she had to write a report about a specific culture for her anthropology class. Of course, there are the typical booths you see at any festival, carnival, or restaurant with an exceedingly corpulent clientele. We went to those first to look at all the crosses and ornate jewelry they were showing off. As we progressed along one side, I looked across the way to a booth where there were dozens of what appeared to be small rectangular fish tanks. Since Erica already has David IV and I've had my fill of sushi throughout the years, I passed along without giving it much regard.

We continued along, looking at various food, clothing, and jewelry booths, watching a Greek dancing exhibition, and wondering where the games and carnival rides were that the brochure promised. Giving up my hope of finding a bounce house, we headed back towards the entrance to look at the things we had missed on the other side. As we approached the booth where the aforementioned rectangular mini-quariums were, my attention perked when Erica exclaimed, "Sean, look! Turtles!"

As I helped up the poor unfortunate people I plowed over in my attempt to instantaneously place myself from my former turtle-deprived position to a more advantageous turtle viewing point next to the newly christened "Turtle Booth" with utter disregard to the basic properties of matter, namely, that two forms of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time, I glued my eyes on what were now manifesting themselves in front of my very eyes as tiny turtles!

(For those of you who do not know, turtles are my favorite animal.)

There were dozens of them! Tiny red-eared sliders, no more than two inches in diameter, each in their own colored mini-quarium with gravel and a little plastic plant for decor/exercise. Of course, I was intrigued. But, seeing as I already have Floyd, who up until today has been hibernating...in the middle of summer/beginning of fall...I was reluctant to impulsively buy one. However, contrary to my usually indecisive ways, there was one little guy who stood out immediately to me. He was climbing up his little plant, which is about 3 inches tall, and he made it to the top, and just sat there for a bit, basking in his triumph.

This reminded me of Floyd, who once climbed up to the top of some books on the first level of a large wooden bookcase we have in our house. Some of the books are anywhere from 6-12 inches high, yet somehow, Floyd managed to climb his way to the top of them, only to look around imploringly, wondering who would get him down from this precarious spot.

So naturally, I was immediately drawn to this little turtle, this natural climber. But I still wasn't sure if I should buy one yet. However, after much deliberation, I finally decided that this was going to be the water turtle I've been wanting for a long time. As we walked back to the car to temporarily store my new friend, Erica decided she wanted one too. So we went back, and she picked out a female who happened to be climbing up her plant also, and the next thing I knew, there were two tiny turtles in the car waiting to get to their new homes.

And right now, little Flip the Red-Eared Slider is hanging out between his plastic tree and a flat rock I gave him to bask on, waiting for me to go to a pet store and get him a bigger place so he can have even more glass to bang his shell against in a vain attempt at liberation.

And what does Floyd think of this new addition to the family? He's asleep in my closet.

Floyd and Me In 100 years

(Floyd is my Russian Tortoise for those of you who don't know)

















TORO!! TORO!!!

Err...I mean...

TORTUGA!!! ­TORTUGA!!!

A Fun Day At Work

What? Another loser? Trying to scam at Taco Bell? No!

Well, fortunately, not when Sean is working.

Some guy came through the drive-thru in a run-down white-trashish-looking van with 2 other adults in the back, one male, one female. All three individuals appeared to be rather seedy, sprouting seeds of deception and deceit. The driver had a very nice mullet going on, he enjoyed off-handedly telling me crude jokes, and most likely did not have immediate possession of all his "permanent" teeth. His other companions looked equally distrustful and had the appearances of people guilty of a crime they were just about to commit, watching and wondering in anxious anticipation if it would work.

So the driver casually orders three number nines (Supreme Pizza, Breadsticks, Large Drink). I tell him it will take seven minutes for the pizzas to cook. He says that's fine, and decides that he might as well get three chicken quesadillas to eat while they are waiting. So he orders those, along with two...no...four tacos. And that's all. The total comes to over $25 dollars.

He comes up to the window and hands me a credit card. I look at the name, as I always do, mostly for the sake of my own amusement, as I like seeing people with funny names, like Dolly Dalowitz, Robin Moore (Author of the best-selling book entitled "Advanced Shoplifting"), and Ann Drew (Author of the controversial book entitled "Tale of a Transexual Transvestite").

Anyway, the name on the credit card which the guy hands me is Maria Hernandez. We are not required to check for ID with credit card purchases, but whenever someone hands me a credit card for a person of the opposite gender (and in this case, a completely different race too), I get a tad bit suspicious. This situation was especially fishy because the order was so pricey and they seemed to spend without any regard. Plus, no one in the car was Hispanic. I bet none of them have even been to Hispanica before.

But I went ahead, against my better judgment, to slide the card and punch in the amount. The credit card machine went through its duties, and when it got to the part where it says either "Approval" or "Denied", it gave me a big fat "No Stairway!"

So I tried again, in case there was a mistake. Same deal. Both times, I had classified the transaction as "Credit", so I decided I would try "Debit" for kicks, which requires the cardholder to enter his PIN. So I did that, and extended the PINpad out the window, explaining to Mr. Mullet that the credit card machine was rejecting his credit card, so I was trying it as a debit card, so please enter your secret PIN. That shouldn't be a problem, right?

His response was a dismissive one, mumbling that he didn't know what his PIN was. Right. So he says take off everything except the pizza combos. The total still comes to $15+, and by this time, the quesadillas and tacos have already been made. I try "his" credit card again, with the same results. He then says to take off one of the combos and try again. No difference. At this point, I'm pretty convinced this card is stolen, but I'm willing to try one more thing. I tell him that I'll try charging one cent onto the credit card, because maybe, just maybe, Maria is just really low on money. But, as I intuitively suspected, not even one cent could be sucked out of that ill-gotten plastic card.

So I tell him the unfortunate news about poor Maria's card, and he says that it's fine, and that they'll just go to another restaurant. Yeah, good luck. Maybe you'll find one with no credit card security features.

There was one nice thing about all this. It happened after I had already gone on my break and eaten my first dinner. Since the cooks had already finished making the quesadillas, I got to eat an after-dinner-celebratory-farewell-to-the-Apostles-Fast-chicken-quesadilla. Mmmm, heavenly.

The Best Part of Waking Up...

...evidently isn't all that great unless certain people get their breakfast burritos.

Something needs to be set straight. Just because Taco Bell serves burritos doesn't mean we cater to every type of burrito need. I guess some people just don't know that. Apparently, it's a common misconception that our Taco Bell carries breakfast burritos when in fact, we don't.

1. Last Saturday, I was working from 9-5, and at around 9:30 or so, the first drive-thru customer of my day came, and asked me the following question:

Customer: What do you have for breakfast?
Me: The Taco Bell menu.
Customer: Do you have breakfast burritos?
Me: No we don't...(While I am saying this, he interrupts me and says...)
Customer: I don't see them on the menu.
Me: *rolls eyes*
Customer: Ok, I'll take two breakfast burritos.
Me: We don't have breakfast burritos.
Customer: You don't have breakfast burritos?
Me: No we don't.

And he leaves.

2. The VERY NEXT customer comes through a short while later, and asks the following:

Customer: Do you have breakfast burritos?
Me: No, we don't...

And he leaves.

3. The VERY NEXT customer after that, a woman this time, comes through and asks:

Customer: Do you have coffee?
Me: No we don't, sorry.
Customer: Ok, thanks.

And she leaves.

4. The next customer orders something we actually sell, so that was nice. But the next car to come after him, two ladies, come a-ordering:

Customer: I'll take a small raspberry iced tea and a medium pepsi.
Me: Ok, anything else?
Customer: No thanks.
Me: Ok, $2.35 at the very first window please. Thank you.

So naturally, after my very clear directions, they proceed to drive past the very first window without even glancing at it, so I shout, "Hey! Right here!" The driver stops, backs up, looks at me innocently and says, "Oh, I didn't see you there."

NO KIDDING!! That's what happens when you a) Don't listen to directions, and b) Don't open your eyes and look where you're going. The line, "Oh, I didn't see you there" has about as much validity as saying "Oh, I didn't know that was yours" to the Fire Department after using one of their truck's fire hoses to play with a Slip N' Slide. If I had a nickel for every time someone drove past my window without paying, I'd have enough money to fix a few of the transmissions which will probably retire at an early age due to excessive gear shifting.

I Don't Get No Respect

No respect at all.

Ever since I've had to say, "Hi, how are you doing today?" to the customers at my Taco Bell, I've gotten the feeling more and more that no one listens and/or no one cares about anything I say when I'm working the drive-thru.

Me: Hi, how are you doing today?
Customer: Just one taco.


Me: Hi, how are you doing today?
Customer: *silence*

About 15 seconds passed, and then apparently the lady in the car rolled her window down because I could now hear the end of what seemed to be an extremely important phone conversation the significance of which I was not worthy or important enough to comprehend at that period of my life and which obviously couldn't be put on hold for half a minute just because she was at the drive-thru. She was most likely confirming her pet Poodle Champion of the World's hairstyling and fecal deodorizer appointment or some similarly illustrious daily chore. The lady in the car said her goodbyes to her equally distinguished counterpart, and then impatiently turned her exceedingly important attention to the order menu, and uttered an indignant "HELLO?!?" as if suddenly I was the one at fault and I was making HER wait.

So I gave her a questioning-as-if-to-say-why-are-you-giving-me-an-attitude? "Hi...?", and she proceeded to dictate her order to me in a condescending manner. So I made her a special burrito, and you'd better believe this one wasn't deodorized.


Of course, not everyone is snobbish to me. Some people do listen to what I say, but just don't have the presence of mind to form a coherent and articulate response.

Me: Hi, how are you doing today?
Customer: Hungry is how I'm doing!


And then some people are too irritable to take a joke.

Me: Hi, how are you doing today?
Customer: Do you have fish tacos yet?
Me: No, sorry, we don't.
Customer: *Assorted grunts and groans* Ok, I'll take a steak taco, no, make it two.

At the window, I jokingly teased him and said in a very lighthearted voice:

Me: Steak is almost like fish!

This customer was quite a surly looking fellow who didn't look like he'd shaven for a few days, and had a cigarette hanging out of one side of his mouth. He looked like the kind of guy who experiences excruciating pain when he smiles, so he maintains a poker faced frown at all times. And apparently, my silly comment that attempted to chip through his hard-nosed exterior into his gooey and potentially-hilarity-filled innards failed, and bounced off only to hit an innocent bystander three miles away, causing him to break out into a fit of laughter and fall down into a nearby busy intersection, causing a chain reaction pileup injuring thirty people, decapitating a very confused and disoriented-looking giraffe, and stubbing the big toe of the very conveniently placed "World's Biggest Foot" Man.

But that is beside the point.

Getting back to the story, his resentful response to what I said was:

Customer: No it isn't.

At that point, I pretty much figured it wasn't worth my time or effort to try and make this guy crack a smile anymore, so I just let the joke die, right next to that poor misplaced giraffe.

Don't Forget to Flush

Recently, at Taco Bell, we not only have had our automated greeting machine disabled, but we have been given a general rubric of what to say to the customers. Now, we are supposed to say something along the lines of, "Hi, how are you doing today?" to every customer that comes to the drive-thru. I suppose this is nice and all, but does the average customer really care if some random cashier asks how they are doing? Most customers don't even listen to what the drive-thru person says, especially since most of the time they are asked if they would like to try some promotional item that they really don't want. I think I prove my point with the following quote that a customer said to me:

Me: Hi, how are you doing today?
Customer: No thanks.


On a school-related note, I was assigned to write a 14-line sonnet for one of my Brit Lit classes. It has to start with the line "Shall I compare thee to...", and the rest is up to me. I figured that since I haven't been able to have much creative leeway in my assignments this year, that I'd let out all my frustration from having to write "serious" (translation: "boring") essays and reading responses by being completely random, silly, and disgusting for this assignment. Enjoy!


An Ode To Poop

Shall I compare thee to a soggy log
Floating in the murky depths of a porcelain lake?
Thou art slender as a rocket
And as chunky as peanut butter
Thy colors art ever-changing
From breakfast, lunch, and dinner
How refreshing it is to hear your victorious ploop!
And feel the inevitable splash of cold water that follows
Thy aromatic smell flirts with my nostrils
As it wafts its way all throughout the room
Inviting me to look down…
And thus, I must ask this question:
Is that a fecal gold mine, newly born?
Or have I just been eating corn?

What? Blog Up! I Can't Hear You!

Here is a Taco Bell story that happened a couple days ago at my work. I was hanging out at the first window doing the usual (nothing) when an order came from the drive-thru.

First of all, let me preface this by sharing a terrible situation that happened recently. You know that automated message that some Taco Bell's and other inferior drive-thru restaurants have that asks you if you would like to try such and such an item? Of course you do. Wonderful! That makes the story so much easier to tell. Anyway, we have had that convenient machine ever since I've worked at TB, but just a few days ago, the boss of my boss told us we can't use it anymore, for the ridiculous reason that she wants us to communicate with the customers on a more personal basis.

So the days of having an automated female voice greet you in some foreign tongue which only a few lucky souls who happen to be well versed in the tongue of jibberish can understand, only to have your order taken (hopefully) by someone of a completely different gender and race, are over at my TB. Now, the person doing drive-thru has to greet each customer as soon as he or she or it arrives at the order menu. This is opposed to the normal method of letting the automated voice greet them, and then playing the waiting game to see how long it takes the customer to start ordering before I get bored and start slinging boiling-hot grease from the fryer at them. (I think a cool name for a Catholic-themed restaurant where you give alms instead of paying a tip would be The Deep Friar)

Anyway, back to my other story. A guy had just pulled into the drive-thru with his expensive beemer, and he was driving a nice car too. Miguel, at the second window, greets him over the speaker, and asks what he would like to order. This is what happened:

****Let me preface this by saying that Miguel's headset was working perfectly.****

Miguel: How's it going? How can I help you?
Man: *silence*
Miguel: *waits* Go ahead when you're ready.
Man: *silence*
Miguel: ...Hello??
Man: Hello?
Miguel: Can I help you? *waits* ...Hello?
Man: *silence* ...I'll take 2 grilled stuft burritos with no tomatoes, onions, or peppers.
Me: *thinking* Peppers?
Miguel: Ok, do you want steak, chicken, or ground beef?
Man: ...Hello?
Miguel: *speaks louder* Do you want steak, chicken, or ground beef?
Man: *silence, and then, in a tone that made it seem like he had not heard the question* ...I want 2 grilled stuft steak burritos with no tomatoes, onions, or peppers.
Miguel: Ok, I have 2 grilled stuft steak burritos with no tomatoes or onions.
Man: *silence* ...Hello?
Miguel: Yes, anything else?
Man: *silence* ...Got that?
Miguel: *flabbergasted* Yes sir...
Man: *silence* ...Ok, thanks.

The man then proceeds to drive to the first window. This whole time, I've been crouching down in the doorframe of the office, laughing hysterically, and realizing I would be blogging about this incident later. I get up and walk over to the window while trying to maintain some semblance of composure as the guy says to me, "You can barely hear that thing!" Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "Well actually, I can hear it perfectly well, and so can every other customer that has come through the drive-thru today..." He looked like one of those trendy people who like to listen to rap in increments of 100's on the decibel scale. So he can't hear. Too bad. Turn down your radio next time. We don't need to hear your crappy music from 13 blocks away.

I leave you with a silly joke I thought up while my creative juices were flowing during the writing of this blog:


Why did the tortilla cry out in pain when it ran into a wall?
It stubbed its burrito.

Some Silly Taco Bell Stories

Must...Get...Back...Into...The...Habit...Of...Blogging...

So here we go!


Impressive

I was taking orders at the second window, within earshot of Thaddus and a few other employees who were making the food. The customer wanted two separate orders, so I took both of the orders, repeated them back to ensure accuracy, and then said,

"It'll be $5.05 and $6.65 respectively at the second window."

The next thing I heard was the sound of Thaddus' jaw dropping as he exclaimed,

"Whoaaaaaa!!! Big word!!"

As I was saying the word "respectively", I was feeling proud that I used a word that added to the sentence so well, but I wasn't expecting any special reaction from anyone really. So the fact that Thaddus practically went into shock over hearing it made me feel like I had done something truly impressive, plus all of the employees who were nearby were amazed and in awe at my exemplary knowledge of the English language, probably because most of them only know a small handful of words in English (Break, Home, What, No, and to a lesser extent, Passport)

So my sarcastic response to Thaddus' remark was,

"I'm not an English major for nothin'!"

There's nothing quite like impressing someone with your extensive vocabulary only to follow up with a nice double negative. P-Dripple would be proud.


I...Uhh...

Customer: Do you have taco salads?
Me: Yes, we do.
Customer: Do they have lettuce in them?
Me: (Thinking to myself) Yes, hence the word "salad".
Me: (Aloud) Yes, they do.

Sometimes I wonder how much trouble I'd get in if people could see me while I'm taking their orders. I'm surprised my eyes don't roll right out of my head sometimes.


You Gotta Wonder...

A customer comes up to the drive-thru, gives his order, I take it and tell him to come to the first window. Naturally, he passes me and goes straight to the second window. One of the other employees over by the second window collects a $20 bill from the customer and brings it back to me, I make the change, and the employee brings it back to the second window only to find that the customer had left with his food already, minus his $8.01 in change. Hellllllooooo?!?


Too Much Information

Lady: (Orders some food for herself) ...and an order of nachos without cheese.
Me: Ok, so you just want a side of chips?
Lady: Yeah.

After I repeat her order and tell her what her total is, she drives up to my window, greets me, and says,

"The chips are for my dog."

I look at her, try my best to act mildly fascinated with this totally unnecessary piece of information she has just given me, and wonder who in their right mind would feed their dog tortilla chips from a fast food restaurant when you could just eat the dog and kill (pun intended) two hunger problems with one stone.


Too Much Information, Part Deux

A week or two ago, I stuck my head out of the drive-thru window and saw a moving truck illegally parked in about 4 parking spaces outside of the store. On the side of the truck was written the name of the business:

"Dungs Moving"

Needless to say, I was glad to hear it. I don't like being constipated either.

Random Humor Test Results

Thank you all for taking my test and putting up with my absence from blogging. I'm taking three literature classes this semester, 13 units in all, so I haven't had a lot of spare time to devote to blogging. But now I shall commence with the grading of the tests, and rest assured, I have some Taco Bell stories in mind for future blogs.


First of all, here are the correct answers to the test:


1. When was my first blog entry published?
a) January 23th, 2004
b) January 23rd, 2004
c) January 23nd, 2004
d) You have a blog?

2. What is the name of the famous caveman mentioned in my first blog entry?
a) Blog
b) Fluffy
c) Blarg
d) Shaquille O'Neal

3. When is my favorite time to start writing a blog entry?
a) As soon as I wake up, bright and early in the morning.
b) As soon as I wake up, bright and early in the afternoon.
c) After the sun goes down, ensuring that I don't finish until the wee hours of the morning.
d) Whenever the rubber chicken tells me to. (This is a trick. He doesn't tell me when to blog, I tell him when to blog. I'm just the pretty face behind the scenes. He's the real brains of this operation)

4. Who is my favorite superhero?
a) Superman
b) Radioactive Man
c) Mucus Man
d) That little Japanese Guy who can eat over 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

5. Choose the correct answer to this sentence: "Hi, would you like any hot or mild sauce?"
a) Yes, please.
b) No, thank you.
c) Yeah, I want a LOT of sauce.
d) Gee, your hair smells delicious.

6. Have I ever actually hit anyone with a tire iron?
a) Yes
b) No (Not yet...)
c) Once, but he deserved it.
d) Who hasn't?

7. What was my favorite TV show when I was a little kid?
a) Seseme Street
b) Sewing with Fran
c) Static
d) Wheel of Fortune

8. What is a "River Snake"
a) The name of a river.
b) The name of a snake.
c) Poop.
d) A special ingredient that rude customers get in their burrito. (Just kidding...or am I?)

9. I have never lost money from people trying to scam me at work.
a) True
b) False
c) All of the above
d) None of the above

10. I have been known to wear a piano at formal occasions from time to time.
a) True
b) False (I can't find one in my size)

11. Do monkeys really have pockets?
a) Yes, stupid.
b) No.
c) Of course, they need to put their Ex-Lax somewhere.
d) Yes, otherwise they wouldn't be able to use this pick-up line: "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
All answers are acceptable.

12. Fill in the blank: What is my tortoise's name? Floyd.

13. Fill in the blanks: Shya! And monkeys could fly out of my butt.

14. What is the most carbonated mountain range in the world?
a) The Rocky Mountains
b) The Himalayas
c) The Appalachians
d) The Sierra Nevadas

15. BEEEEEEEEEEEP?
a) BEEP! (Loosely translated: What?)
b) BEEEEEP! (Loosely translated: What did?)
c) BEEEEEEEEEP! (Loosely translated: What did you?
d) BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! (Loosely translated: What did you say?)

16. Fill in the blank: What is the absolute coolest rap persona ever created? P-Dripple of the Wet Side Slacks.

17. Which of the following is NOT an actual comment I received from one of my fellow college students about my story, Darkside?
a) I like how it is so suddle.
b) I like the honesty you can tell this character isnt completely sain.
c) Best...Story...EVER! (Though this would have been a cool comment to get)
d) I came in late to class and only herd 1/4 of it. and new what this story was aimin toward. Awsome delivery soft and the begging hard punch in the middle and smooth drive at the end.

18. What is that thing with the sauce on it?
a) Your guess is as good as mine.
b) The Quesadilla.
c) The Bean Burrito.
d) The Chalupa that one of the employees sneezed on. (One of the employees actually did this, and was about to try and cover it up and use it anyway, but I was appaled at that and made him throw it away and make a new one)

19. How old am I?
a) 4 (Mentally)
b) 15
c) 20 (Physically)
d) Whatever age my fake ID says I am.

23. Extra Credit: What number am I thinking of right now?
a) 3
b) 157
c) 1117
d) WRONG!!!
Congratulations to Isaiah for giving the best answer to this question, but he called me an idiot, so his answer is nullified.



So, according to my calculations, these are the results:

1st Place: Erica
2nd Place: Aaron
3rd Place: Isaiah
Most Creative: Beniy
Most Anonymous: Scot
Honorable Mention: Grace (Hey, you got 2 out of 2 right, you got a perfect score!)


Congratulations Erica!!! For your prize, you get a cookie. However, you must collect it from the "Keeper of the Cookies". Good luck getting it from him, I don't think he'll be very keen on giving it up...

Celebrating One Year of Random Humor

Yesterday, January 23rd, one year ago, was the day I started this blog with the main purpose of sharing some of my best writings-to-date. Little did I know at the time that it would develop into something that I would spend countless hours "working" on. However, once I started running out of previously written essays and stories, my blogs started getting more and more sparse, because I wasn't sure what to write about. There was even one time where I didn't blog for a month and a half.

But little by little, I started thinking of new things to write about, to the point where I would start having at least 5-6 fairly large blogs per month. I started writing about things that happened in my own life, from experiences at my job at Taco Bell, to getting my wisdom teeth pulled, to my studly tortoise, and many things in between. I began to realize this wasn't something I was just going to use to regurgitate old essays on, I was actually going to have to write and be creative on a regular basis! This threw a proverbial wrench in my normal schedule of writing creatively, the frequency of which fell somewhere between the range of "Never" and "Only When Forced".

But I have immensely enjoyed writing all 43 of my blog entries, this being my 44th. Looking back, I would never have imagined that I could have written all that I did. A few weeks ago, I went through and read all of my previous blogs, and thought of a potentially fun idea: Make an interactive test about the content of this blog where readers can use the comments section to take the test. It could have multiple choice, true/false, short answer, and fill in the blank questions, but knowing me, it wouldn't be your average test. So I put together a 22 question test, including one extra credit question for you overachievers, and without further ado, here it is...

Sean's Cumulative Examination, Measuring the Retention of One Year of Random Humor.


Directions:
-To take the test, click on the Comments link at the end of this blog, choose the answer that you think is correct for each question, and be sure to leave your name so I can recognize the people who do the best on my test in a future blog and possibly reward them with large cash prizes, and maybe a cookie! Oh, and by the way, just like any other public school test, cheating is not only condoned but recommended, because that way you have an excuse to read some of my classic blogs in order to find the answers. Good luck!


1. When was my first blog entry published?
a) January 23th, 2004
b) January 23rd, 2004
c) January 23nd, 2004
d) You have a blog?

2. What is the name of the famous caveman mentioned in my first blog entry?
a) Blog
b) Fluffy
c) Blarg
d) Shaquille O'Neal

3. When is my favorite time to start writing a blog entry?
a) As soon as I wake up, bright and early in the morning.
b) As soon as I wake up, bright and early in the afternoon.
c) After the sun goes down, ensuring that I don't finish until the wee hours of the morning.
d) Whenever the rubber chicken tells me to.

4. Who is my favorite superhero?
a) Superman
b) Radioactive Man
c) Mucus Man
d) That little Japanese Guy who can eat over 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

5. Choose the correct answer to this sentence: "Hi, would you like any hot or mild sauce?"
a) Yes, please.
b) No, thank you.
c) Yeah, I want a LOT of sauce.
d) Gee, your hair smells delicious.

6. Have I ever actually hit anyone with a tire iron?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Once, but he deserved it.
d) Who hasn't?

7. What was my favorite TV show when I was a little kid?
a) Seseme Street
b) Sewing with Fran
c) Static
d) Wheel of Fortune

8. What is a "River Snake"
a) The name of a river.
b) The name of a snake.
c) Poop.
d) A special ingredient that rude customers get in their burrito.

9. I have never lost money from people trying to scam me at work.
a) True
b) False
c) All of the above
d) None of the above

10. I have been known to wear a piano at formal occasions from time to time.
a) True
b) False

11. Do monkeys really have pockets?
a) Yes, stupid.
b) No.
c) Of course, they need to put their Ex-Lax somewhere.
d) Yes, otherwise they wouldn't be able to use this pick-up line: "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

12. Fill in the blank: What is my tortoise's name? ___________

13. Fill in the blanks: Shya! And _______ could fly out of my _______.

14. What is the most carbonated mountain range in the world?
a) The Rocky Mountains
b) The Himalayas
c) The Appalachians
d) The Sierra Nevadas

15. BEEEEEEEEEEEP?
a) BEEP!
b) BEEEEEP!
c) BEEEEEEEEEP!
d) BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

16. Fill in the blank: What is the absolute coolest rap persona ever created? _______________________.

17. Which of the following is NOT an actual comment I received from one of my fellow college students about my story, Darkside?
a) I like how it is so suddle.
b) I like the honesty you can tell this character isnt completely sain.
c) Best...Story...EVER!
d) I came in late to class and only herd 1/4 of it. and new what this story was aimin toward. Awsome delivery soft and the begging hard punch in the middle and smooth drive at the end.

18. What is that thing with the sauce on it?
a) Your guess is as good as mine.
b) The Quesadilla.
c) The Bean Burrito.
d) The Chalupa that one of the employees sneezed on.

19. How old am I?
a) 4
b) 15
c) 20
d) Whatever age my fake ID says I am.

20. Short Answer: What would be a good name for the Rubber Chicken that sits on my desk?

21. Short Answer: Out of all of my blog entries, which one(s) is/are your favorite(s)?

22. Short Answer: What do you like most about my blog?

23. Extra Credit: What number am I thinking of right now?
a) 3
b) 157
c) 1117
d) WRONG!!!

Taco Bell Stories Aplenty

The last two days at work have been rather enjoyable. And I can think of only two words to describe why: Happy Hour. I...uhh...oh wait. Wrong job. What I meant to say was: Crazy Customers. That's right. Those two little words can make the difference between a fun day at work and a boring day at work for me. Anyone can be a normal customer at a drive-thru restaurant. But few customers are actually worthy of earning the title of "Crazy Customer", for it takes a special type of person to be able to set dignity aside and make a fool out of himself for my entertainment. And if they are lucky, they are bestowed the honor of having their story immortalized into eternal blogdom. And now, enough with the formalities, lets get to the stories!!!


Taco Bell Story #1 - "Clueless"

I am at the first window, collecting the money for an order. A truck pulls up to the menu, and Miguel takes his order at the second window. As I finish giving the change for the first order, I look out the window and see the truck stopped about 5 feet farther than he should have been. The driver is yelling his order at the speaker which is several feet to his left. Then, amazingly, when Miguel reads his order back, the man cannot hear Miguel very well, probably because the speaker is pointed at his rear tire.

So after Miguel repeats his order in vain, the man pulls up to my window, and asks me to repeat his order. So I comply, and the following conversation begins between us...

Note: The words in parenthesis are the thoughts which are going through my mind as this conversation progresses.

Him: Can I add a drink?
(No.)
Me: Sure.
Him: Iced tea?
(Here we go...)
Me: We only have Raspberry iced tea, is that ok?
Him: Oh, is that flavored?
(It's uhh...raspberry flavored. Duh?)
Me: Yeah...
Him: Oh, well give me a Diet then.
(Because you're a pansy?)
Me: Ok. It's $11.14.
Him: *Starts to drive away to the second window*
(Oh good, he's leaving, I...wait a second...)
Me: *Yells* You pay here!!

At this point, he had already driven forward about 5 feet or so. He tried to back up, but another truck had already placed an order and was behind him on his tail. So he sat in his truck for 20 seconds or so getting his money out, and finally opened his door, walked over to my window, and said...

Him: Here's $11.05. Keep the change.
(Gee, I'd love to, if you had given me more than the actual amount you owe!!!)
Me: Uhh...Ok, whatever.

At that point, I really didn't care about losing 9 cents. It was a small price to pay to get him out of my drive-thru.


Taco Bell Story #2 - "Listening Skills"

Again, Miguel was taking an order at the second window, and when the customer seemed to be done with his order, Miguel asked:

Miguel: Anything to drink?
Customer: No, just a medium Pepsi.


Taco Bell Story #3 - "Nice Try"

Last Friday, Miguel was joking around with me and he asked if I wanted to join the army since one of our former employees left to do just that a few months ago. I said, "No, that's ok," and he laughed and stopped asking me shortly thereafter.

Later on in the night, business was slow, so I was talking with Miguel to pass the time, and into the dining room come three army guys dressed in their military attire. Miguel and I just looked at each other and laughed. Miguel made some comment like, "They're here for you!"

To make things easier, these three guys will be called Guy 1, Guy 2, and Guy 3.

So I take Guy 1's order while trying not to laugh too much, and sure enough, as soon as he finishes, he looks at my name tag and says:

Guy 1: So Sean, you ever thought of joining the army?
Me: *In a casual, nonchalant tone of voice* No, not really.

When I said that, Guy 2 burst into laughter. Guy 1 looked back at Guy 2 and gave him an incredibly menacing look as if to say, "Shut up! My commanding officer says I need 4 more recruits or else I'll be a test subject for an army experiment entitled "The Human Pincushion".

Guy 2, recoiling from the look Guy 1 gave him, replied, "What? That was funny!"

They didn't ask me if I wanted to join the army anymore after that. Lucky them.


Taco Bell Story #4 - "An Odd Fellow"

This time, I'm taking orders at the second window, and another cashier, Tony, is collecting money at the first window. I take a man's order, he pays, and comes to the second window. He is a fairly regular customer, and is quite eccentric and loud. His wife/girlfriend is sitting in the passenger seat, and is usually with him when they come through the drive-thru. I give him his food, he asks for more sauce, I give him more sauce, and he asks me what my name is. I tell him my name is Sean, he gives me some generic compliment, and takes off.

A couple of hours later, I am still taking orders at the second window. I take a man's order, but I cannot see who it is. When he is done ordering, the man says:

Man: Hey Sean.
Me: *confused* What's up?
Man: Hey, you're doing a great job, keep up the good work.
Me: Uhh, thanks...

I have no idea who it is, so I go over to the first window thinking it's one of my friends, and see that it's the same guy as before. I greet him by saying:

Me: Back already?
Him: Yeah, I brought my other girlfriend.

So being the curious person that I am, I looked in the truck at the person sitting in the passenger seat, and saw someone different than the lady who was there 2 hours ago. In fact, he looked quite different than before.

Now, I realize that the driver was most likely joking, and I thought it was pretty funny that he had just called another man his girlfriend, and that the "girlfriend" guy had a rather nervous expression on his face when he heard his "friend" call him that. So I went with it.

Me: Oh! She's quite a looker!

Both of them laughed at that one, and I was so deafened by my own wit that I didn't really hear what he said in response to that, but drawing from my past experiences of taking that guy's orders and talking with him, I'm pretty sure I didn't miss too much. At least he didn't ask for more sauce the second time around, because I forgot my tire iron at home. (If you get this joke, congratulations! You are a Sean's Random Humor Veteran! If you don't get it, looks like you've got some studying to do before the big test that's coming up...that's right, you don't think that this blog is all fun and games, do you?)

Warning: Do Not Read This Blog

First of all, a formal belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. And if any of you don't celebrate Christmas or are Chinese, my humble apologies, but get over it. I'm not politically correct.

For Christmas, one of the presents I received from my parents was an iPod Mini. For those of you who don't know, an iPod is a fancy MP3 player (If you don't know what that is, you're probably Amish, so what are you doing using a computer to read this blog in the first place?) that is made by Apple Computer. Yes, I know what you're thinking, and no, amazingly, it doesn't suck. It can hold up to 4 GB of music, or in layman's terms, more music than any normal person could ever want to listen to. And that's just the mini version. The regular iPod holds as much as 40 GB of music, or in layman's terms, you'll go deaf before you listen to all the music you can put on it.

So the iPod is revolutionary in the sense that it can hold so many songs, is relatively hassle-free, and costs about a hundred dollars more than it's worth. Plus, you can buy some really laughable accessories for it, like an iPod holder for your car cupholder. Now all of your troubles are over! Instead of just harmlessly putting your iPod in the cupholder itself, you can spend $39.95 and place this device in your car cupholder, set your iPod on it, and spend the rest of your time staring at the stupidest purchase you've ever made.

I have around 400 songs on my iPod Mini right now, and it's only half full. And I have to say I'm very pleased with it so far. Though honestly, I was a little wary of it when I first installed the iPod software on my computer and read the disclaimer:

"THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE."

Wait. So what they're saying is this thing costs $250, and you can't even use it to operate a nuclear facility?!? Great, just great. And what good is an MP3 player if you can't use it to power a life support system? Oh well, money buys less and less nowadays it seems.

But seriously, how litigious are we if a company has to write something like that on a disclaimer for a device that solely plays music? What idiot would use an MP3 player to operate air traffic control? I suppose I could see them being used as a last resort by air traffic controllers instead of those little flags since the iPod Mini comes in lots of different colors, like blue, green, pink, orange, strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, tutti-frutti, oh-rutti, a wop bop a loo bop a lop bam bam. But besides that, I see no reason to write such an insane and irrational disclaimer. Just say, "If you use this device for anything other than playing music, and something goes wrong, we are not responsible for your ignorance, stupid."

And this isn't just specific to Apple Computers either. Not even close. My mom bought one of those incredibly soft and comfortable pillows with the miniature beads inside of them, and it had a tag on it. On the tag, the very first line read:

Warning: Do not use for sleeping.

And then, a few lines down, it said:

• For decorative purposes only.

Again, maybe I just don't understand the retarded mentality behind this, but it seems to me if you buy an incredibly cozy pillow for $10, you aren't just buying it for its looks. Most people don't buy pillows just to set them aside and stare lovingly at them, wondering what it must feel like to rest their head on it. You buy a pillow to sleep on it for goodness sake. What happens when you're really tired, and the only pillow nearby is the pillow of forbidden sleep? Will you be brave enough to defy the almighty tag and willingly refuse to heed its dire warnings? Or will the suspense be so great that you must succumb to its will and put off slumber until you can find a non-decorative pillow that is actually designed for sleeping?

Who cares? I'm going to sleep.

Breaking News!!

Over the last couple of days, Southern California has been fiercely hit by the most dreaded duo of natural disasters: Long Waiting Lines to Return Unwanted Christmas Presents, and The Realization That California is Going to Slowly Sink into the Pacific Ocean If We Don't Get in Shape After All The Food We Ate During the Holidays. Wait a minute, those are man-made problems, and trivial ones at that. Actually, SoCal has been recently battered by this catastrophic couple: Rain and Wind.

That's right, once again it has rained in California, causing great discomfort and inconvenience to the locals who just took their Urban Onroad Hummers to the car wash. And not only was there rain, but it was accompanied by its good friend, wind, which caused several innocent branches and leaves to dismember themselves from their tree sweet tree and to all be hurled seemingly on top of my car. I guess the next time the only available parking space lies below a dirty tree, I'll just park in the middle of the street. That'll teach those trees to thoughtlessly trigger their tree trash to tumble. (WooHOO!! 12-word alliteration extravaganza!)

Actually, by California's standards, we're experiencing some pretty heavy rain and strong winds. However, by the rest of the world's standards, we're just experiencing some light sprinkling and a slight breeze, also commonly known as "God's Sneeze". I saw on the news that a tornado actually touched down in Inglewood a few days ago. They were classifying it as the weakest type of tornado possible in terms of size and intensity, yet it was still the top story on the news today. In the rest of the country, it would most likely be dismissed by most people and classified as a "Drip N' Draft" or a "Bad Hair Day".

I think this is California's way of trying to feel sorry for itself, because we don't have any real problems to complain about. Even our earthquakes are usually nothing compared to some of the big ones throughout history in Japan and especially the recent disaster in Asia. In fact, California has absolutely nothing to worry about. The only natural disaster we have hanging over our heads is the fabled big earthquake that is supposed to happen anytime now. It's supposed to be the earthquake to end all earthquakes, the biggest one in California's history, so naturally, it was given an extremely clever and momentous name: "The Big One".

If you ask me, I think that "The Big One" is just an elaborate scare-tactic used by seismologists in order to keep their jobs in demand. They know there's no huge earthquake coming anytime soon, so they just make up a bunch of information like "seismic readings" and "scientific facts" and pass them off as the truth. And each time they predict that "The Big One" will occur, they are always wrong and they get one step closer to becoming as unreliable as the weatherman.

So until we get hit by "The Big One" and finally receive our time in the disaster spotlight, we have to make a big deal out of a little rain and wind - meanwhile, the rest of the world is laughing at us for being wimps, while they are being swept away by a 50 foot tidal wave which was started by an earthquake that measured 16.7 out of a possible 1-10 on the Richter Scale and which is propelled by a hurricane consisting mostly of air, water, smallpox, and several rusty chainsaws...while walking uphill through 40 miles of snow...AND THEY LIKED IT DAG-NABBIT!!!!

After such an occurance, for example, the Indonesian news would probably casually mention towards the end of the newscast that there was a small oceanic disturbance earlier today which was caused by a slight shifting of the crustal region accompanied by some minor drizzling, modest winds, premature pimpling, and minimal loss of limbs.

On a typical Californian news channel, that exact same event would be the tragic top story. It would look something like this:

Anchorman: Our top story tonight: A tidal wave of death and destruction wreaked havoc today. It was caused by the biggest earthquake in the history of mankind, which opened up great gaping chasms and swallowed innocent civilians alive. Those who managed to not be swept away by the tidal wave or kept from being eaten alive by the earth were carried up into a massively powerful hurricane which was believed to have the ability to cause your body to break out in festering sores and had the superintelligence to manufacture heavy yet shoddy machinery. The end is near people! You must listen to me!! We haven't much time!

Speaking of listening, I am reminded of something that happened at work a few days ago in the drive-thru. I was ready to take the order, but the lady wanted to ask me a question first...

Lady: Do you have bottled water?
Me: No, we don't.
Lady: Ok, I'll take 3 of those.